Without fail, like every year, I got sick end of first week of classes.  Friday I felt gross…Saturday too….then Sunday I was starting to feel a whole lot better….and then Monday it was like I had been hit by a bus which was apparently payback for enjoying life Sunday.

I had a 4 day weekend thanks to MLK day that got blown to shit because my immune system decided to fail me. 

I haven’t even decided yet how I’m getting thru this semester.  If I think too far ahead I start to panic.  I just know I need more time than I’ve got.  Like a day to clean my fucking bedroom which would have happened this weekend had the hacking up lung thing had not started.

I remember me and my sister used to lay on the floor and play with her when she was a puppy and she would attack our hair and it would make us laugh…and laugh….

I remember her as an itty bitty puppy and when we would be over there late at night and she would just conk out on the floor and just be a tiny mass of warm soft golden fur and puppy belly.

And she used to have this sheet that she carried around like a security blanket, it was one of the cutest things ever.

I taught her how to sit and shake using crackers when she was a puppy.  She picked it up almost right away.

Dad named her Lady but somehow it turned into “Bugs” and “Buggy”…I suppose from Lady somehow turning into Lady Bug…I don’t even know anymore lol

Dad has had a really horrible 6 months or so.  His dad died, his best friend died, he lost his job (which was his fault but still sucky timing and all), he lost his apartment, he had to give his little dog back to his ex, and now Lady was put to sleep this afternoon.  He moved back in with my grandma and my grandma has this weird house where you are either upstairs or downstairs….either way you have to go up or down stairs to get out and Bug’s hips were so bad that she just couldn’t navigate the steps and was in pain.  The last time I saw her was when my dad had her at grandma’s during grandpa’s funeral and she looked so bad.  I don’t think my dad saw it because he watched her progress to a very old dog but I hadn’t seen her in a while at that point and she looked so old and could barely walk and just looked like her time was near.  Little did I know how near.

My dad keeps calling and talking about her and I feel so sad for him.  I know how much he loved that dog.  I think if I had the money I would buy him a new puppy… not that it would replace Bugs… but because I don’t want him to feel so lonely.

I’ve been very pokerface when talking on the phone with him about her and I hope he doesn’t think that I don’t care but I just don’t want to get emotional about it over the phone with him because it won’t make him feel any better.  I just listen to what he has to say and keep telling him things that I think will help him feel better.

Losing a pet sucks.  There’s always a part of me that thinks about losing my fur creatures that live with me one day and I think about how painful it will be and it sometimes feels like, “well damn there is already enough pain and loss in this life, why do we add more by bringing these little creatures into our homes and falling in love with them and then have to say goodbye before we are ever ready?”  And of course it is a dumb question because the answer is so obvious… the love and joy that they give us is worth the pain of losing them.

Bugs hasn’t been “my” dog for quite some time so it isn’t quite as painful for me as it could have been… but I did find myself crying and I fleshed out some plans of doing something nice for my dad over a text with my sister.  The biggest part of my sadness just comes for my dad, I want something to go right for him, he’s had so much crap handed to him in such a short time that honestly, if it were me?  I dunno man… I probably would have found a damned hole to crawl in and just died at this point but my dad keeps trucking on.

Dad had the vet come to my grandma’s to do it.  I am glad she left this earth in some place familiar because she HATED going to the vet’s office.

I’m sad.  I’m tired.  I want something good to happen for my dad.  I am going to put on soft comfy pajamas and try to find some old Bug pics to give my dad.

Grandpa died a couple of months back.  A short battle with cancer…one of those cases where if he would have just not tried chemo when it was a hopeless situation anyway, he probably would have made it longer.  But he wanted to fight and fighting meant giving chemo a go.  My grandma had open heart surgery a few weeks after his death, and thankfully has been making a full recovery which I deem pretty impressive for someone her age.  One of my aunt’s have been staying at the home that she and my grandpa built and shared, helping her out as she recovers because she hasn’t been able to do a lot of things for herself for a while.

For as long as I knew them… grandma slept upstairs in the her bedroom and grandpa sat in his chair downstairs watching tv at night and then slept on the sofa.  You can deduce what you wish from this scenario, I can’t give you an explanation because I don’t know, never asked, and never really cared to be honest.  But anyways, the downstairs living room was grandpa’s area.

And so it was that my dad told me that the other night my aunt got up in the middle of the night.  The television downstairs was on.  She always turns it off at night but figured that she had just forgotten that night and went out to the downstairs living room to turn it off.  Upon entering the living, she swore that as clear as day she saw my grandpa sitting there in his chair watching tv.  He turned his head and smiled at her and as she quickly went to get flip on the light she looked back and he was gone.

I don’t know really what to make hearing her experience.  It is very fascinating to me. Some might say her mind saw what she wanted to see, etc but I tend to believe in things like this.   I feel like maybe he came back to tell her goodbye and show that he was okay.  It was strange because after he died, I can’t remember how long it was after his death but it wasn’t more than a few days I felt a very strong presence around me, yet a very familiar one.  Not long after I began feeling it, the light in the room flickered on and off.  I kind of just chuckled a bit and said “hi grandpa, I miss you” and not long after that the feeling of the presence lifted and left.  I always kind of viewed that as him telling me goodbye.  =)

I took a road trip to Pittsburgh with my brother, I was an extra in a Christopher Nolan directed Batman movie (seriously how have I not even posted anything on this blog about that whole experience…gonna have to get my paper journal and copy some down here), I buried a grandparent, I smeared glitter all over a chick’s legs and photographed them, I spent long hours at a hospital with my husband as he recovered from pneumonia and a collapsed lung, I told somebody that I would not stand by and watch them destroy themselves if they chose to make that decision, I made it all the way through my French course, I attended a webinar and conference call with the art therapy school I am most interested in and asked so many questions, I sat through the premiere of my husband’s first feature length film, I contacted cousins I have been out of touch with for years & put myself out there & spilled my heart and was mostly rewarded, I quit smoking 7 months ago and have not had one single puff since that moment I quit and know for sure that I never will again, moved into our first house, I planted spring flower bulbs, I push mowed my entire lawn (buying a lawn mower was a first too), we got our very first washer & dryer that actually belong to us, I saw my husband graduate college, had a car that caught fire, got a car that was actually much much younger than me, watch my husband have to mourn the loss of his own father, received a $30,000 bill in the mail, I tried eggplant (and I love it!)….. I guess it has been a year of a lot of new experiences!

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I usually don’t make New Year’s Resolutions but through out the year I had some different goals present themselves.  The beginning of the year I was really focused on cleaning out my bedroom and apt in general and getting rid of things.  I managed to get rid of a lot of clutter but organizing the bedroom became non-existent after we decided to move.  Another goal eventually came to be finding a house and getting out of apartment living, we accomplished it much quicker than I ever expected.  I also had the goal of finding my intentions for this future of mine and beginning to put the work in place to follow through on those intentions, that process has begun.

I do have what one could call resolutions for the new year, however I don’t intend to think of them as ‘new year’s resolutions’… something about that term makes me edgy, perhaps because it brings up memories of angsty teenage me who would scribble down “new year’s resolutions” every new year that were pretty much all the things I didn’t accomplish the year before.  Number One would always be “lose xx lbs”.  So I intend to think of these changes just part of the cycle I am currently moving in… things that are necessary for my growth.  Really my biggest one is just about teaching myself how to become a more organized person.  Perhaps equally important I am planning to continue on this journey that I am currently on where I discover more about myself and what inspires me and to move forward with my creative endeavors… to start bringing the things inside my head to life.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nobody is coming to mind at the moment…

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My father-in-law passed away the beginning of the year.  And then this fall my paternal grandfather passed away.  Cancer took both of them.

5. What countries did you visit?

0.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Time

7. What date(s) from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

• The day my husband got admitted to the hospital
• The day my husband got out of the hospital
• The day my FIL died
• The evening the death of Osama Bin Ladin was announced
• The day I quit smoking
• The day we moved
• The day my brother and I were extras.
• The day I got the news my grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
• The day my grandfather died.
• My grandfather’s funeral.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Starting to become a more peaceful person, moving towards seeing the bigger picture

9. What was your biggest failure?

I let my anger get the best of me at one point and exploded at a family member which fueled a huge fire that led to a really ugly incident.  The worst part it wasn’t so much as true anger as it really was just stress and frustration.  It was absolutely a failure on my behalf to act the way I did.  For the first time I felt really up close and personal with this ugly side of my personality and I did not like what I saw.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I was very sick the end of January into February, I had the flu which was especially bad and lasted forever.  I was basically just starting to recover when it sent Ki to the hospital.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I guess I replaced my laptop at the beginning of the year, so my all in one desktop was probably one of the best things for sure.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

I was happy when I saw my mother and father in the same space for Tristin’s birthday party…

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

But then… my mom pulled dramatics for the holidays this year.  I was really disappointed in my mom’s behavior this year in general.  I haven’t had much contact with her this year, and that hasn’t really been my decision.  I was also extremely saddened by the blow up with the family member…how they acted towards me.  It’s all done, it’s all forgiven… I’ve said multiple times, let us not even speak of it again…forgive and forget, but for a time being it was really appalling and depressing just as my own behavior was when I exploded in frustration.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Where money always goes… to people richer than myself.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

• When I heard that my husband would be getting out of the hospital
• Going to Pittsburgh to have the whole Dark Knight Rises experience… I was really excited but at the same time I didn’t totally let myself be completely excited because I was completely convinced that somehow this adventure just wouldn’t happen because it seemed like such a completely unreal experience that I would be lucky enough to have so I didn’t let myself get excited until I was there lol
• When we signed the lease to our house

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2011?

Anything Nicki Minaj reminds me of 2011.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?  Happier only because I feel more peaceful this year than this time last year
ii. Thinner or fatter?  Thinner although all the horrible holiday food is gonna catch up with me if I don’t stop lol
iii. richer or poorer?  Money wise, probably about the same.  But in so many other ways, richer.  I am so much more grateful for all the things I do have and that makes me realize how lucky I am and how “rich” I feel.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Studying.  Especially in French because I felt like I gave so much to get so little but I think I also should have devoted even more time to it and just well… everything.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Procrastinating.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Christmas post is a few posts down!

21. How many one-night stands?

…too old and married for that crap lol

22. What was your favorite TV program?

• Somehow Ki sucked me into Storage Wars… I don’t even know how but it has somehow become “our show” lol  We actually watch way too much A&E crap, it has become our channel.
• L&O: SVU… even though I am still mourning the departure of Meloni’s Stabler I think the writing has been very good this season and the stories are definitely the best they have been in quite a while.
• Weed Wars… it is really interesting to watch behind the scenes of how legalization of medical marijuana is working in a business aspect as well as seeing some really interesting stories about the patients, and well… the people on the show and I really share some similar life philosophies and views about the green.
• I am ashamed to admit this but I watched way way way way way too many Kardashian based shows.  This is my one horrible guilty awful pleasures… I actually get sucked into this crap!  It started so innocently too… I had been watching something random on E!…walked away, ended up doing something else, came back and one of the shows was on and I thought hmmm I have never watched this show before and next thing I know I’m sucked in to the ridiculousness.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate is a completely useless emotion.

24. What was the best book you read?

It is horrible perhaps lol but once again this year I was so busy reading stuff for classes that when I read for pleasure it was mainly graphic novels I wanted to catch up on and my favorite ended up being on Ki bought me for Christmas, Batman: Noel.  The story was great, I actually got a bit emotionally invested into it and the artwork?  To die for.  Absolutely stunning.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Watch the Throne, absolutely incredible hip hop album and with the way music has been lately in general…not even mentioning hip hop all by itself….. it was a very refreshing album.

26. What did you want and get?

I wanted a house out in the country and I got it.  In that respect the gods totally smiled on me this year.

27. What was your favorite film of this year?

Warrior. And can we also count The Dark Knight Rises prologue and latest trailer? lol

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I went out for dinner and then came home and did a shot or two of birthday cake flavored vodka.  And… that was pretty much it.  Exciting eh?  About a month later I drank the rest of the vodka, in one night (to be fair my husband had had some too so it wasn’t a whole bottle). There are many many regrets to that, only because of how sick I woke up the next morning.  I then learned an important lesson about waxing your own eyebrows while nursing a hangover that bad.  Yup.  Very important lesson.  And I turned 27 this year.  Which apparently makes me  ancient when I’m on tumblr.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

I’ve been trying to wear heels more… which means things that go with heels… because then I actually look put together.  I’ve tried to add more classier things to my wardrobe.  But then if I have a day where I don’t feel like getting all put together it is like 100x worse than it ever was before.  It’s like… I have to put on socks to put these shoes?  I guess I’m not going anywhere right now lmao

30. What kept you sane?

Moving!  I was really beginning to feel like a very ugly person inside from the apartment living.  I was feeling angry almost every single day.  There’s just… there’s no worse feeling than feeling uncomfortable in your own home.  It puts you on a terrible edge.  I also think quitting smoking helped my sanity a lot.  There was no longer that cognitive dissonance to contend with.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Delicious delicious Tom Hardy…..I think you caught me in a moment…

32. What political issue stirred you the most?

Well it’s been a very stirring year for politics I would say.  The uprisings in the Middle East really stirred me and then finally the protests moving over here has really been something.  Standing with Planned Parenthood was important to me and there’s some things going on with certain laws that are really concerning to me.  There are a lot of changes in the air.  I am praying that they will bring us back somewhere… where we need to be…

33. Who did you miss?

I wish my grandfather was still here.

34. Who was the best new person you met?

Probably a girl in my French class that I did my last oral project with.  It was strange to once again click with somebody who was a stranger.  Meeting her gave me faith that there are still people out there that I sort of click with.  It is something I’ve been needing to know… that whole INFP personality thing I guess… I sometimes feel like I am weirdo from the planet Weirdmofoland.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

Nothing from the past matters.  Absolutely nothing.  Let it go.  It’s a story but it doesn’t define you.  It is ridiculous to miss out on people and experiences with them because of something silly that happened in the past.  Asking for forgiveness and giving forgiveness is the absolute most healing thing you can do for yourself.  Asking for forgiveness is an ego killer and anything that kills the ego is always a plus.  It makes you humble, it shows pride who is boss.  Giving forgiveness is letting go of a past that doesn’t matter anymore, it allows us to let go and live in the moment.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Nothing is coming to mind off the top this year and my internet  connection is too damn slow to research some song lyrics for this right now lol

Happy 2012!!!!

Thanks for making this a Best of Holidailies 2011 Selection!!!