Thanksgiving didn’t leave me feeling very warm, fuzzy, or grateful.  As soon as I woke up the day felt off.  Even having the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade on my tv didn’t help.  I warmed up food in the oven, showered, played some TS2 and finally woke Ki up to get around so we could get going.  The weather was nasty.  Cold, super windy, and rain.  I became irritated as I started loading stuff into the car.  I didn’t really want to go anywhere for Thanksgiving.  I’ve had it at my home for the last 6 years.  I don’t know why this matters to me but it does.

Shortly after arriving I was informed about a robbery that took place at my brother’s apartment yesterday afternoon.  It was no doubt his nasty ass trash shit eating drug dealer scum of the earth neighbors.  Somebody had actually called his place of work right before the robbery happened to see if he was at work.  When it was confirmed that he was and my brother got to the phone, the mystery caller was gone.  They took all the shit they obviously thought they could sell.  They even took shit like dvds of us when we were little b/c they thought they were regular dvds they could sell.

My brother is moving back in with my mom.  I left to help him pick up the rest of his stuff that he could get/had any value.  The kid looks like shit from not sleeping/stress.  He’s lost so much weight that his face is gaunt looking.

I was just so pissed off for him and sad that I wanted to cry.  I felt and still do feel so bad for him.  I wish I had the money to replace the stuff of his that got stolen.  That kid has never done anything to anyone and is one of the nicest kids you will meet and these low life scum have to take shit that he has worked hard for b/c they are a bunch of nasty ass trash.

I’ve got to convince my brother to get out of that town.  It is the most disgusting place filled with the most disgusting people.  God I’m so fucking angry that I can’t even explain.

And then… Thanksgiving was….brother too tired to have a coherent conversation and everybody else will proceed to ignore me and my husband and any conversation in order to coo over the baby.  I love my nephew and am still excited about him and all his firsts as well, but well… damn I really didn’t realize that we may never have a normal conversation around the table again.  Add that to me wanting to spend time with my nephew and yet I can’t b/c my mother basically annoys me to the point that I just give up…. I’m always doing something wrong when playing with my nephew and I’m sick of being made to feel like an incompetent fool who can’t possibly know what I’m doing with a 5 month old.  I’m sick of being made to feel that nothing I do is good enough when I’m around my family.  This isn’t just about the baby either.

I’m also sick of how they don’t even try to include my husband into any conversations, anything.  Ki hasn’t come with me in a while to visit my sister or other family… I don’t really blame him when he doesn’t want to… who the hell wants to sit there when nobody wants to talk to him?  I’m getting really tired of it and it’s pushing me away from my family.  They all actually had the nerve to ask me if he was even coming to Thanksgiving with me which secretly pissed me off.

I am just not into a family mood lately.  I was grateful to get out of there.  I wanted to leave about 4 hours before I actually did, but couldn’t think of a good enough excuse to leave way before everyone else.  But if Christmas is a repeat, I will leave early.

I just feel like I can’t open my mouth anymore around my family w/o saying something wrong… and I feel like they can’t open their mouths to me w/o saying something that will piss me off.  It seems like nobody can even take a joke anymore and it’s annoying as fuck.

I’ve also realized that I need to distance myself… with the exception of some of my real life and online mommy & pregnant friends… away from things that are BABY BABY BABY.  Nobody has any fucking clue how difficult for me it is that we haven’t started a family yet… and it’s not even about theoretical future pondering things about it… it’s also b/c it isn’t possible w/o some kind of intervention.  I think that is why the oohing and awwwing and cooing over my nephew and conversation of nothing else struck more of a nerve than usual… b/c it has just been harder than usual for me lately.  I wanted to have a baby close in age to any cousins it might have… I wanted my child to have the experience I had growing up, with cousins close in age who were your best friends, I wanted to start a family years ago when people thought I was still too young too do it, but that want has never ever changed, it has only grown.  I think that is why I get upset when my own mother won’t let me interact with my nephew… b/c that’s my little dude that I want to have a positive impact on too, but I can’t. It’s a way to give some of that love to a child that I don’t/can’t have… I’m part of that little village it takes…  It’s all so selfish but it is what it is.

I’ve never been remotely honest about how I feel about any of this… always sugar coat it, always put on a hopeful face, whatever.  But when it comes to myself…. my husband…. us having a family, fuck it I’ll be honest, I am not that hopeful.  Not anymore.  There’s so many questions about my own future on top of it all…. becoming something more, when in reality I feel like I know what I am meant to be but I guess that isn’t important enough to put it first.  *shrug*  I didn’t want to get bitter about it, but right now I do feel really bitter.  All my frustration about the future ebbs on the fact that I had this plan and nothing in the plan is working.

What is that TDK quote…. Nobody panics when things go according to plan.  Even if the plan is horrifying.

I’m also thinking about other things and that Seinfeld episodes comes to mind…where George did everything the opposite has he normally would b/c what he normally did was fail.  I think I need to do that as well.  Go against every instinct that I feel.  It feels logical.  I imagine it would be a great way to desensitize yourself to many things.  Every time your heart throws itself in your throat, just jump right in.

At least the food was good today.

I started cooking this morning.  Pink Stuff is assembled and in the fridge… although arguably it could assembled 5 minutes before dinner and it would be ready to go, but I think it tastes better after the flavors have marinated in the fridge together overnight.  Cranberry sauce is done and in the fridge.  Crepe batter has been made and in the fridge, as well as the pastry cream all in preparation of creating the cake tonight (yes Nat, I AM gonna make it =D )  Cornbread is in the oven so it will be ready for the stuffing.

Wild rice will be made later this evening.  It usually fares well the next day.  I am going to roast some red & yellow peppers to put in it.  I bought corn for fresh creamed corn.  I will probably either just make that at my mom’s or assemble it right before we leave since it just needs the corn cut off the cob, half n half, salt, pepper and a wee bit of sugar & butter and into the oven it goes.  I have debated how to do the potatoes.  I am thinking just going ahead and making them tonight, getting them all cooked through minus the cheese crust/topping and then putting that on once I get to mom’s and letting them reheat.  I am thinking I will just make the stuffing the morning of and then take it down and put it in the oven to keep it warm.

Wow so not unlike last year during Thanksgiving week, this year I also have a pinched nerve in my neck.  This time I know what caused it though uggh.  I have a habit of positioning myself very awkwardly when using my lap top and I felt it starting to hurt the other day, but I kept sitting the same way for the next couple days when using the laptop and of course it got inflamed enough to pinch the nerve.  I have a massage scheduled for Friday that I would reschedule in a heartbeat for sooner if I wasn’t getting $15 off an hour on a Black Friday deal.  I know it doesn’t sound like much but it is when an hour is $60 and 40 minutes, which I usually get is $45 (didn’t used to be, they upped their prices earlier this year…grrrrrrrr)  So yeah, 20 extra minutes for the price I pay for 40…I WANT.    I love the place I go to but I’ve been debating trying out a cheaper place b/c I’m still pretty irked that my place upped their prices.  At least maybe try out a different place…. if they suck I don’t have to go back.

I am trying to pretend not to be overwhelmed with life lately.  I just try to act… do what I gotta do and otherwise not think about it too much b/c if I start thinking about it I kinda just wanna curl up in a ball under the covers and say fuck it all.  This semester is so close to being over… and I’m fucking scared to death.

• package (19 ounces) frozen cheese tortellini or 1 package dry pasta cheese filled tortellini 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
• 1 cup half and half cream
• 3 tablespoons Miracle Whip Salad Dressing
• 1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
• 1/2 cup shredded Romano cheese
• 12 ounces baked ham cubed (and heated through)
• 1 package (10 ounces) frozen peas, cooked
• 1/4 teaspoon white pepper

• Cook tortellini according to package directions. Meanwhile, in a large skillet, combine flour and cream until smooth. Stir in the miracle whip and the cheeses. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. Reduce heat.
• Drain tortellini; add to the cheese sauce. Stir in the cooked ham, cooked peas and white pepper. Cook for an additional 5 minutes or until heated through. Yield: 4 servings

I boiled the pasta, peas, and ham all together.  Makes it simple.

My fail at the sauce came from using a little too much flour and making it a bit too thick.  I thinned it out with some milk… it was still a little on the thick side.  Plus it’s a cheese sauce, so the cheese obviously made it thicker.  I was weirded out at first by this recipe having Miracle Whip in it but it really works and gives it just a little…zippiness.

I also made a little more sauce than what I needed, that was mostly due to me trying to think it all.  Mix it all together with the pasta, peas and ham and voila.  Yummy goodness.

It looks like this will be the first year not making/having Thanksgiving at my house since… well since I’ve been out on my own.  It kind of makes me sad, despite the stress associated with it I really do enjoy hosting Thanksgiving.  I like to cook, I like people gathered at my home, I like not having to leave my house lol

But this year my beautiful nephew Tristin was born.  This means that my mother became a grandmother.  This means it is the first time she has ever put her family ahead of her husband’s family.  It is kind of sad that it took a baby.  My mother is a baby fiend.  Even my sister, the owner (lol) of Tristin agrees it was kinda sad that it took her spawning for my mom to actually spend the day of Thanksgiving with us.  But I digress to a family issue I suppose…  But then again I guess one could argue for the fact that her husband’s family has just kind of ended up blowing in the breeze as of late.  Probably a combo of baby and older parents going senile.

So this year my mother claims Thanksgiving.  I guess on the positive side I will not have to spend a shit ton of money on food for everyone.  I won’t have to worry about the damn turkey.  I won’t have to feel compelled to make sure my home is pristine.  I won’t have to worry about cramming everybody in.

I am however going to be doing some cooking there.  I like to cook for Thanksgiving… I don’t really want that taken away from me.

Naturally these past years of preparing Thanksgiving dinner I used many recipes that were passed down from my mother while creating some new food traditions of my own.  What belongs rightfully to my mother, I will leave to my mother.

But what shall I bring/cook?

• Well every since my MIL introduced me to wild rice… I feel compelled to incorporate that in some way.’

• Pink Stuff… ahh yes Pink Stuff… my mother usually neglects to make it these days. I’ve insisted on taking over.

• Three Cheese Garlic Scalloped Potatoes…. my husband told me he is boycotting Thanksgiving all together if I don’t make them. I’m debating making 2 pans of them this year seeing as the last couple of years by the time I got to them they were basically gone. I’m guessing people like them.

• Cornbread, Sausage, Apple & Pecan stuffing. There is no going back on stuffing ever again. I love good stuffing. And this is the bomb. I just refuse to stuff it inside of a turkey… because that is wrong. Moist bread doesn’t belong inside of a dead bird. It skeeves me out completely. My mom stays faithful to her stuffing recipe. I cannot… do it. Her stuffing that is. She insists that I don’t like it because one Thanksgiving when I was 5 or 6 I was violently ill (talk about a sucky Thanksgiving) and was throwing up at the mere scent of food… and her stuffing was one of them. The truth is is that it just lacks flavor, sorry mom. It is this concoction of bread that is a little too moist, cooked down onions & celery, and not enough spices to balance the mixture out to be anything more than wet onion & celery bread. Yes I just bagged on my mother’s stuffing recipe that she has been making for yeaaaaaaaaaaars but I don’t understand being faithful to a recipe just for tradition sake when it is bad dammit lol

• I am debating making fresh creamed corn. There is really nothing like it. My sister always brings her scalloped corn and it is good, but I mouthful or two and it is just too sweet.

• Last year I made an awesome homemade cranberry sauce… I don’t even know if I have the recipe but I’m sure I could find it. I loooove cranberry sauce with my turkey. My mom usually breaks out a can of the gelled stuff…. you know, with the can indents on it. Hell yeah.  Not that there is anything wrong with that because I’ll eat that just fine, but man, nothing beats the real stuff.

• And because clearly there won’t be enough food lol… I need an awesome dessert. The past few years I have made a badass yet simple bread pudding that is divine. Except the year I made a variation of pumpkin bread pudding that disappointed me. It is this, or try something new. And presenting the awesomeness of the crepe cake has been taunting me. I have yet to decide if I want to deal with it on top of everything else but behold the awesomeness of the crepe cake in these various pics

It’s like a work of art.

I’ve racked my brain trying to figure out a gift for my sister this year.  Usually I take a lot of pride in finding Christmas gifts for people, I always try to find something meaningful but this year I felt like I had just exhausted my resources.  Until I got a $15 code for a Kodak gift.  The deadline to use it was approaching so I started putting together something…. which has turned into a heartfelt gift for my sister and a dedication to the first 4 months of my beautiful nephew’s life.

A brief moment of “oooooo I know what I can do with that” led to the start of some Christmas decorating.

It started with my flower pot holder….thingy that I bought the end of this summer.  I knew there had to be something seasonal I could do with it and sure enough… some floral foam, floral picks, shatterproof ornaments, beaded garland, and lights.

And from there, I got inspiration to create some wreaths

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I bought a bunch of baby patterns before Tristin was born intending to make them before his birth and learning how to sew better.  It never happened so I pulled some of them out to try for Christmas gifts.  I have already Christmas shopped for him, purchasing him:

Leapfrog Learn & Groove Alphabet Drum and Learn & Groove Counting Maracas.  It was a stroke of good luck that I even discovered them.  I had been stalking the baby toy aisles since early October wondering what the hell I was going to get the kid.  I’m bad at shopping for baby toys.  They don’t amuse me LOL therefore my mind won’t let me imagine how they could amuse a baby.  Obviously I have often forgotten that babies are amused and amazed by pretty much anything.  When I asked my sister what the heck I should get for him, she carried on how she wanted to find musical instruments for him and I sourta just laughed b/c while I could see it appropriate if he was a bit old, I imagined anything would just go in his mouth and not be that safe anyways.  Then behold, I spotted the Leap Frog musical instruments.  Voila.

I also bought him this rolling thingy…. it is supposed to encourage crawling which my sister wanted.

Being sick of the never ending projects I have laying around the house I decided to try my hand at some.  Thus I created:

Hooded duck towel:

And I quilt.  I’m quite proud of the quilt actually… b/c my sewing skills suck.

In less than 2 weeks it will be time to take my fall decorations down and put up the Christmas ones (although admittedly I have already started on Christmas but more on that later)  I like my fall decorations this year… I thought I would share them.

I wish I could use real candles but I don’t trust the cats to not set themselves aflame.

Painted & glittered leaves, acorns, and pumpkin wood cutouts.  Was supposed to be a garland but it refused to hand right, so I just hung them individually.

Pumpkin garland on my lighted candle screen, one of my most favorite things ever.

I realized I couldn’t leave my paper lanterns up all year, they were way too summery.  But since I have those hooks in the ceiling I decided to get creative with them.  ‘Falling’ leaves it was.

Isn’t the pumpkin garland awesome?

Various outdoor hangings.

I wish my fleeting moments of inspiration didn’t come at 3am.  It is now 9am.  I haven’t slept but I feel compelled to finish what I started at 3am.  It might have been done at 6am had I not forgotten the invaluable tool known as the “save” button on the computer.