I finally got some sense

So here was the thought process that led me to finally realizing I needed to go after my dream:

After all I have been thru the past year, being erratic and making really random decisions out of nowhere I will officially announce here that I am going to throw myself into the photography program. That’s it, plain & simple.
There is no time I feel more alive than behind a camera scouting for the perfect shot. It stimulates my brain in a way that nothing else does. It is like trying to look for good art, only you are looking for it so you can capture it and create it and make it your own. That is a beautiful feeling. Photography has become to me much like my poetry is/was… a very intimate expression, a stripping of any thing that seems complex, down to the simple. I have 100% faith that my creativity will take me far in this world. It has been my driving force since before I could write like I do or take a picture.
I think I know now why I was making so many random off the wall decisions about things. I think it was, no I know, it was because I was wanting to avoid disappointing myself. If I didn’t proceed with the program and pretend that I fell in love with something else I would never ever have to know one way or another if I would succeed or not. There would be no option for failure simply because there would be no oppurtunity. I would never have to know and life would just go on.
When this became evident to me it as like a huge smack in the face. I realized I wasn’t playing these mind f*cks because I really didn’t know, I was doing it to avoid myself and to avoid the possibility of ever failing at my dream. Instead of trying to accomplish it I just figured that I would just always hold it in high esteem and know that I could have had it or was good enough or whatever I was going for.
Insane, no? Well that would be me.
So given that, that’s it. I’m throwing myself into it. anything else is just me being a huge ass to myself for no reason. I see now what everybody else has probably thought all along.
And I’m putting any worries of the future out of my mind completely. Right now it isn’t about “will the pay be good”, “how long will it take”, “will I get a good job”, “how will it play into if we want to have kids” ect ect… all the stuff that controlled some of my moves previously.
For some people I suppose, yes they need that, to think about those things. But after doing so for myself..I just think..”why?” What does it really matter to me at this time? I tried living that way once already and it didn’t work. Nothing is guaranteed anyways. I’ll just choose to focus on what is now, what is current.

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