Death & Questions

One of the things that still lays on the surface of my mind, that I still think about often… is watching H’s mom slowly shrivel and die over the course of a few weeks this winter.  I still think about that poor woman often, how she was screwed in a lot of ways by the good old American medical system.

At the time I had to be a pillar of strength for my friend, who is still suffering from the loss as one can expect, but at the time I was so mentally exhausted that I never really processed what I witnessed.  I never let myself feel the feelings of “I can’t do this for my friend” although there were so many times that I felt so close to experiencing that very feeling.  It was such a mentally taxing experience, that taxed me spiritually as well as I could not understand through out all the prayers that went out for this woman, she had to suffer like she did.

Quite honestly during much of the experience, I felt like I was in a movie.  It was so hard to process it as reality.  I had to disconnect myself from my emotions or I could not have handled watching someone die.  It was more difficult than watching Baleigh pass… probably b/c this woman had been on the earth for almost 50 years, she had a history… and I had known her for about 13 years.

We were not there when she actually passed.  In fact I think about it often, that she died alone.  But one can only think that perhaps she wanted to die alone as the day she died, that morning… I got a call to meet my friend at the hospital, that the nurses had called and expected her to make it an hour tops.

She held on for about 10 hours past that hour they gave her.  Death was inevitable and even though it seems like a morbid thing to wonder… everybody was wondering what she was hanging on for… they just wanted to see the suffering end.  There was no coming back from it after all.

So we all left that night at the same time.  It was very… strange.  And about 20 minutes after we all left… she passed.

It bothers me that she died alone… in that room that I spent many hours in with her and her family.  A part of me still feels like maybe I should have just went back in and set… she probably would have never known I was there, just so she wouldn’t have had to go alone.  Even though she appeared unconcious… I always wondered if she didn’t know who was there and what was going on around her.  I feel she had to know to some extent… because she held on for so long that day.  Even the nurses told us that sometimes the patients will not pass while their loved ones are there.  So I guess it just makes me wonder… did she know every one was telling her goodbye.. did she know that every one had given up hope… that they had all left because they know she needed to go?…

Or was she glad she got that one last day, even if she didn’t seem aware of it…with all the people who loved her and she went peacefully knowing that she said goodbye to every last one of them in her own special way.

Or maybe she knew nothing at all…

I just wonder this shit, though I shouldn’t because I’ll never know.


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