Outdoor Thinking

I just spent an hour outside on my patio and quite frankly if I could find something else to do out there, I would spend another hour.  I didn’t want to come back in, but I live in an apartment complex…my front lawn activities are limited.

So I watered the flowers and repotted my herb plants, all of which seem to be growing faster than I can repot them.  I hate to break it to them, but there is only so big of a pot I can  put out there for all of them and if they outgrow that, well they’re screwed.  I’m out of dirt for my hanging basket and I tried to dig up the pansies that have decided to grow by one of my solar lights but too little dirt, too much water, and lopsided pansies b/c they have been growing against the patio did not work out well.  I shoved them back into the ground and through the muddy dirt slop around them.  Then I spent another 20 minutes or so trying to clean up all the mud and muddy water that I had managed to create on top of my patio.  Even though I was slightly annoyed by this, I still enjoyed it.  There is something about sticking your hands in the dirt that is wonderful.

It’s getting dark and I wish it wouldn’t.  In fact dusk should last about a few hours longer than it does as it is one of my favorite times of day.

Is this the grown up side of me?  The side that likes patio gardening… watering shit?  Hmm interesting.

***

It isn’t long before I am back outside again.

I decide to clean out my car which hasn’t been cleaned in…geez I dunno how long, earlier this year..much earlier.  That is sort of an outside activity, heh.  Plus I figure, it will be good to get the remaining reminders of being a smoker out of there.  There was some empty packs thrown on the floor and plenty of the little plastic things you tear off to open the pack.

I would even Febreeze the mf’er out that bitch.  Thus I did.

But while cleaning out the car I ran past some painful reminders… small booklets from the hospital chapel when Missy was there.  It still stings in a way I didn’t expect it to.  Maybe it wouldn’t have so much if I hadn’t of went there and watched her die, I don’t know.  It was bad enough to lose her, but to basically watch all but the last 25 minutes of her dying.  Pardon me for sounding completely bizarre, but I didn’t intend on doing that.

I was the only non family ever there, except for the preacher who showed up…I think on the last day.  But since everybody pretty much had known me for 13 years, it wasn’t really as if I was a non family member. I appreciate the fact that I had this whole other family, who understood why I was there and knew that it was okay that I was there while they were going through something so hard.

It reminds me… that I have been a good friend.  And all those people knew it.  No, I don’t want validation for my actions, sitting there with a friend while watching somewhere that I too cared about pass away was not my “good deed” for the year or anything else.  It was my calling.  I am there for people like that.  But… but… here is the thing.

Since Missy passed away, things with my old friendships are not what they have been because I cannot deal with the fact that people can’t grow up and change.  That instead of trying to learn from the bad and be stronger people, they decide life isn’t worth going on and everything is pointless.   They do stupid things, say stupid things… all because they think there is nobody on this earth that cares about them… despite that they have friends who spend 12 hours a day in a hospital with them and kids that count on them for everything and family and yeah…

So the past couple months… I have been distancing myself.  Unable to deal with the absolute epitome of pot meeting kettle.  It is like watching some revert back to absolute… I don’t know.  I just know it is ridiculous and I find that I can no longer bite my tongue, or pretend to agree in order to keep the peace, or let someone relay such toxic thoughts to me and …just let it go on.

I am so tired of the fact that some people will seemingly never grow up.  I am tired of the same old dramas.  I am tired of things never changing.  I’m tired of having to stretch in order to find things in common.  The fact that we have known each other for x years seems to be the only thing worth hanging on to.  I am sick of trying to be the mother figure, sister figure, friend…and have nothing returned to me.  Yes I do expect more after all I have given.  Instead I get walked all over.  I am expected to always be there, but yet I have nobody there for me in return.  I am tired trying to better somebody else when it is me that I need to give my undivided attention to.  I am tired of saying the same thing over and over and over and obviously it is falling on deaf ears but yet I am forced to listen to the same situation again and again.  To the point where I begin to say things I never thought I would say and the underlying tone for them all are “You are hopeless” and “I give up” (perhaps on you).

I have been feeling so guilty for those thoughts… of giving up on somebody but I have begun to realize that life will go on if we grow apart from some people.  I cannot be everything to everybody and if somebody gets mad over that, well in my eyes I was right about them all along.  I have done nothing but give, give, and give some more and get treated like shit in return…. well no more.  I am tired of that.

I feel like if I can accept that I am not the same person then I am a step closer to be the person that I am.. and being okay with that, and adding new people into my life that will accept that.

Missy’s death changed everything when it came to certain people, and not because I wanted it to.  So not only to reminders of her passing hurt because I miss her and am still so sad the way she had to go and so soon, but because the ripples that have followed her passing.

**

I finished cleaning out the car and walked the trash bag to the dumpster.  I still wasn’t ready to go in so I started weeding the area around my apartment since the guys who usually take care of that have gone missing lately.  I figured if this is the small patch of area I have, I will make it pretty.

The whole time I was outside I found myself reflecting pretty intently on just who I was, who I am becoming, life… everything.

I just have a feeling the next year will prove to be very interesting in my life.  I don’t know why I have this feeling, but I do.  I think it will define a lot of things.

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