It Reflects Upon Me

I decided to figure out where the people of my past who are still in my life stand… it was causing me a lot of stress, wanting to believe that some people have changed for the better and then worrying that I would get the rug ripped out from under me again by trusting in them and believing in them.  Normally I would say it is not worth having those kind of people that you doubt in your life, but I believe in forgiveness… and I know, I have given people reason not to believe in me in the past, but I am ever so grateful that they stuck beside me and are willing to let me grow.

First off, I realized I need people in my life who will let me be me.  That includes my erratic stylings of how I approach relationships.  I know I’m not the model friend, wife, sister, daughter, ect.  For some people, this leads them to doubt my loyalty to our relationship.  I understand that, because I realize my behavior may look erratic at times.  I am not always the predictable friend, wife, sister, daughter, ect.  I never will be.  And I need the people in my life to understand that.

Second, I realized that there are times when 2nd and sometimes even 3rd chances should be given.  Maybe even a 4th, when life is especially hard.  People fuck up.  I’m sure I have been given those 3rd & 4th chances… it is just harder to acknowledge when you’ve been given them vs giving them to other people, yah know?

Sometimes it is easier to disconnect yourself emotionally with a person as much as you can though. And healthier for you too.  I learned this in the case of my father.  True, I cannot fully disconnect myself emotionally from my relationship with my father, he is my father after all… but his not attending our wedding last year fully changed the dynamics of our relationship forever.  This is when I finally gave up and lost hope in him being the father I thought it possible for him to be.  I was done being jerked around in this relationship… a relationship that should be, one of the most loved on earth.  Once you emotionally disconnect yourself from somebody’s actions who only serve to hurt you, they can no longer hurt you.  I feel blessed to be free from that.  I love my father, but the rose colored shades that I wore when viewing him are forever removed and I can see his actions for what they are.

But then I reached this point… of where do you learn to let go of the hurt that a person has caused you in the past.. that now they are willing to change and see the error in how they treated you?  Especially when you are always on edge waiting for the ball to drop…

I had a blow up with a friend several years ago… she said some things to me that hurt me…and in return I let years of frustration due to her actions come lashing back out.  I was tired of her shit quite frankly.  The same old bullshit, over and over, taking her shit for years and yet still being a friend.  Finally I said everything that I had been holding in for at least 2 years.

My words hurt her, but she needed to hear it.  She needed to hear it because she was treating people so awful based on her own fear of losing them.  Makes sense huh?  Well I don’t get people either.   But I chose to be brutally honest in my dealings  with her, because that was my last chance to possibly save whatever was left of this friendship that we had.  I was not mean, I did not curse… I just laid out my emotions and yes, they hurt her.

But what happened was the lines of communication were open.  We were able to talk to each other, not in anger, but as adults.  We were able to say okay this hurt me and she was able to tell me what I had done to hurt her.  And suddenly a 2 way road that had once been a one way road was opened.

We really hadn’t had a incident since.  It has been 3 years…maybe more…and suddenly I realize…I still hold onto my doubts about these people!  I still wait for the ball to drop.  Maybe that doesn’t reflect so much upon them, as it does about me.

I was so afraid of being…or remaining a doormat for people that I denounced the possibility for change.  In the end, I realize that some walls I was building up around myself to protect myself were only serving to hurt me.

Perhaps I should open myself back up to the possibility to hurt a bit…to fully understand my capacity to love.

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