On a completely different note

Every since I was a little girl playing with dolls I had the “mommy” gene in me.  Feeling like it was my mission in life to be a mother.  I idealized the concept of being a mother so much that I think my mom was convinced a few times that I would manage to become an unwed teenage mother *heh*… well that almost happened but that’s a story for another day, pain that has been erased by the passage of time.  Experiencing a loss that ripped my heart out, but now, I look back and it doesn’t really hurt me anymore… and sometimes that makes me feel cold and heartless, but I know it is just the effect of time.

At any rate… I was talking to H the other day who has 3 kids (well actually 4, one passed away several days after birth) and I found myself saying “You know what, I’m really glad Ki & I haven’t had any kids yet”… and I meant that.  She validated my feelings with basically expressing her love for her children, but if she could do over and have them, she would have waited.  She is pretty young to have 3 children.  And now, being at 24, although I feel old enough know to really give motherhood a shot, I am not ready.

I possibly find myself saying this b/c I finally don’t idealize motherhood in the way that I did when I was younger.  I see the hardwork that is put into parenthood and realize that at this point in time, I am way too selfish and focused on myself that I am not ready to give myself fully to another life.  Now don’t get me wrong, if I got a surprise baby I would be over the moon and totally devote myself to my child.  But if I don’t have one and I’m not here trying… it is what it is.

I spent a lot of time over the past few years wondering when we would start a family… to the point it was a silent obsession of mine at times.  But now I am at peace that when the time is right, I’ll feel it fully.  I won’t have any doubts and I’ll be ready to devote myself completely to it.

I feel like I’m sort of outside this strange loop, since I hang out and talk to a lot of people that have kids, are pregnant, or are trying to start a family both IRL and online.  But, that also is what it is.  A lot of people are just at that point, and I’m not and that is okay.  In the past it was sometimes hard to be around that because I constantly wondered when I would be there, if I should be there, ect.  Now that I KNOW I am not ready to be there, it is easier.

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