Okay well not much has been going on.  I’ve been procrastinating on everything I should do… although these days…it isn’t much due to what I’ve done to my life this …uhh semester.  Although I guess blaming myself doesn’t help either.  Because it isn’t all my fault… when you feel so awful that you immediately walk out of class and hold your tears until you get into your car and then lose it b/c you feel like CRAP all the f’ing time…. what are you supposed to do?  Nobody had an answer for me either.
Since going to the chiropractor, my back still hurts but it is better.  My breathing has improved somewhat (yes there is a story missing somewhere between my allergy post and this one).  I’m just trying to keep my faith that everything will heal and I’ll feel normal again.  Or at least close to normal as I can be.  And I’m taking medication again.  And I’m glad that I am.  Because I had completely lost any grasp I ever had on keeping emotions in check.  There was a Post Secret a few weeks back that said something like “I left because he wouldn’t take the drugs” and it was written on a picture of Prozac pills.  I saw my life and my marriage in that Post Secret.  I mean how would you ever justify the fact that you let your life and relationships fall apart because for some reason you thought you didn’t need something that you clearly did?  Maybe I wouldn’t need them if my body didn’t insist on falling apart on me on every turn, but at this point, I don’t really know to be honest.  I don’t know and I don’t feel like questioning it anymore.  All I know that is for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like life is bleak and hopeless and not worth living.  I spent several weeks in the absolute bottom of the gutter and I didn’t know if I was going to crawl out or just roll over and die.  I’m glad I found the energy to crawl out.  There is a spark left in me yet I suppose.  And also, my mom reminded me, not in the “i told you so mom kind of way” that I have had these episodes of being depression prone my entire life and now I’m thinking…I don’t have to be this way anymore.  I’m an adult in control of my own life and I don’t have to live the the depression episodes just being part of who I am.

Speaking of my mom, I’ve spent a lot of time on the phone with her the past few weeks.  I’ve bitched about my mom before in the past here and there, but really who doesn’t have mom issues from time to time?  The point is, is that I am grateful that I do have a mom that I can call at 5 am in tears and she will call me back and talk to me about what is going on.  A lot of people don’t have  that for whatever reason and it makes me realize that in that respect, I am very lucky.

Man, I’ve been trying to get this post written for days now, and it seems to have no flow but yeah.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Kate
    Oct 14, 2008 @ 15:00:19

    I’m so glad to hear you’re doing okay. :hug:


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