stick a fork in me

I’m done.

I feel like the universe has aligned against me to make me miserable this year and it is doing a damn fine job of it.

I spent the first 3 months of this year watching somebody very near and dear to me lose her battle with cancer.  The next three months, there were moments of on again off again piece before July hit and I once again became entangled in battles of my mind and body.  It is nearly November now and I am just ready to throw in the towel and let the universe finish its battle with me.  2008 has won.  I’m done.

The last straw for me seems stupid.  I’m sure nobody gets why I’ve been whining and complaining so much.  Well let me address the why.  It is because after months of feeling like hell, I found out the reason why I felt like hell.  I thought I had finally turned a corner.  I could get better.  I could feel better.  2 weeks ago I was so optimistic once again.  Relief.  And the one person who provided me that relief apparently fell off the face of the earth.  I am seriously upset that the first chiropractor and family friend that I went to has not been back in his office and I am sincerely hoping that his health is okay….and not just for my own selfish reasons (but my own selfish reasons are of course somewhat involved)

Today I went back the chiro I found on Friday and was totally traumatized.  The guy is quack more or less.  Embodies everything bad I’ve always heard about chiropractors.  I STILL have a headache almost 8 hours later from his ‘adjusting’ my neck which was fucking fine and didn’t need adjusted.  Hell even my damn shoulders hurt now.

Because I have no balls to speak off, I also got sent home and paid for this damn neck traction thing when I should have just told them to piss off.  I really gotta fucking learn to stand up for myself.  I don’t feel any better…nothing like the relief that I found when I went to see the first chiro.  I now have to call and cancel 6 appointments they set me up for so that I don’t get charged for them.

At this point, I’m fed up and don’t even care about the pain anymore.  Fuck it, if I’m meant to live with it, God give the damn grace to deal with it.  I’m tired of fighting with it.  I’m tired of becoming my pain.  First I became my anxiety, then my depression, then my pain.  Can I just be me please?  Without all this shit defining me?

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