Honestly… I’m freaked out

I pulled the lab order out of my car for the 24 hr urine test I should have gotten done this week.  I forgot to call asking them to remind me of when the hell my appt was and what lab I was supposed to go to.  I’m assuming the one at the hospital.  I’ll go there tomorrow to see if I’m correct, assuming I can do so on a Saturday.  I don’t know why not.  It’s a hospital…don’t they pretty much have people there 24/7? *heh*

I’m scared though.  I don’t want to have anything wrong with me.  There is another part of me, that would find relief though, knowing that there was actually a reason I have went through everything I have.  But another part of me…frightened.  If there’s excess cortisol in my system…that more than likely means I have a pituitary tumor.  I’ve had the crap scanned out of me… so there isn ‘t a tumor or anything elsewhere, which is good don’t get me wrong, but nonetheless frightening.

I can’t help but thinking that I am going to find out what I fear.   I have all the fucking symptoms.  In the past couple years I have went from one person… to this.  Weird shit happening to my body.

And then…how could I afford surgery?  Treatment?

I know I’m getting ahead of myself.

Actually… it looks like I’ll probably have to time it, if I can get a hold of them later in the day… so I can bring in the samples on Monday.  I’ll have to reschedule my appt for later in the week or next week depending on the turn around time.

This is all scary to me.  But to have an answer… that alone would be priceless.  Especially when I look in the mirror and only see glimpses of who I once was.

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