Sometimes being a fighter doesn’t work

So yeah… as noted…Paxil stealing sex drive.  This makes me angry but on 40 mg of Paxil…it is kind of a numbed angry.

Crying at my doctor’s office is what got it upped to 40.  Brilliant girl, brilliant.

I’m staying at 20…unless something drastic happens.  Seeing my next few prescriptions are for 40 mg I can always go back to 40 if I need it.  At least at 20 I could fucking cum and still retained some regular emotion.

This is why I get angry at ADs.  Because there has always got to be a catch.  Of course.  B/c it would be too wonderful if there was just a pill that we all could take to feel normal.

Of course in being pissed about the sexual side effects, it led to me googling and trust me… googling psych meds is what always gets me in trouble.  Everybody has to bitch about something right?  As proven here.

Basically it led me to this thought… when you’re feeling ‘better’… it is almost difficult to remember how you felt beforehand, even if beforehand was like a week ago.  It is like the brain is easy to recover from situations where you feel like throwing yourself off the nearest bridge and on the way down swallowing a bottle of drain cleaner.  It is easier to forget that.  And you start thinking… maybe I am in control… maybe I do have the power, maybe I don’t need magic pills.

*SLAP*

It’s easy to take all the bad things you hear… and convert them to feelings.  They aren’t your own personal feelings, but somehow they manage to become such.  Ah..the great power of influence of others.

A lot of my physical feelings are caused by the chronic hyperventilating/overbreathing thing, which I will add continues to improve and I am starting to feel like my lungs are beginning to feel halfway normal again.  But…the chronic hyperventilation/overbreathing thing was caused by chronic anxiety and depression.  Things may never be perfect, but they are a lot better when I am not chained to my bed crying while simultaneously freaking out.

I will never understand why there is a part of me that fights… help.  I guess help in the form of medication.  I’ve been like this a great part of my life.  I don’t understand this aspect of my personality at all.  It is like the final obstacle in me being a half way normal productive member of society.  Perhaps it is because to some extent… medication makes me feel like I am not the one in control.  And every since this all started… I’ve had major issues with control.  That is where a lot of my issues lie.  I want to control the world.

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