I am a Soul

(This is also categorized under 101 in 1001 b/c one of my goals is to discover my spirituality again.  If religion talk scares you, feel free to ignore lol)

I have come to realize that what will bring me peace in this life is finding and living a spiritual life.  Indeed, the reason I got through some difficult times in my past without breaking down is because I had strong faith.

I did not fear death, because I believed.  I knew.  I did not worry as much because I knew things would work out.  I knew there was a greater plan in my life and I knew that life was bigger than just what is on this earth.  I felt connected to a much Higher Essence.

Like when Baleigh passed away.  How many people can say they have sat in a room and literally watched a newborn pass away in front of their eyes and still have some kind of faith that there was meaning in the short existence and tragic loss?

But yet… that day I felt God so strongly that I had no doubt, no fears.

The night before I had to undertake that huge task of supporting my friend and her family through such tragic circumstances… I laid awake and talked to God.  At the time I hd no idea how I was going to be able to do what needed to be done.  Literally… no idea.  I couldn’t even begin to fathom it in my mind.  It was impossible to wrap my head around.  It was something I had never experienced…. and I had just hours to prepare myself for it.

I asked only that I be shown how to deal with it.  That God be with me on that day.

I didn’t wake up with a new found sense of amazing strength.  Honestly, I didn’t even expect to.  A part of me just knew what to do, instinctively almost.  God walked with me that day.

When I held her, before the machines were removed… the world stopped turning.  For a moment I was vaguely aware of some people taking pictures of me holding her but it slowly faded out.

At that moment, once again I felt God so entirely that the experience nearly overwhelmed me.  I was very aware that I was holding… it was only a body.  I could feel it.  The body… was empty.  The soul… the spirit had already departed.  I could still feel the soul.  Holding her allowed me to hold an angel.  Her body was the link between this life and the next.  I never knew something so tragic could solidify my faith so intensely.

Somewhere along my journey, I lost this rock solid faith.  I would communicate with God… but I think I found myself pleading more for things and being demanding rather than embarking in everyday conversation with my higher power.

Whatever people believe in, I think it takes a lot of faith on their behalf.  Even if one is an athiest.  Does that not require some kind of faith?  Faith in the random?  Faith in chance?  Everything is faith in something.

But having no solid beliefs… I dunno… where I have been is like some kind of desert.  Wandering.  Lost.  I don’t know how I got so sidetracked from my spiritual self… from my soul.

Education has its downfalls I suppose.  Taking many comparative religion courses kind of fueled my skepticism about certain things.

The person that i used to be is forever lost.  I have clung so very tightly to this skeleton.  I have no honored my life today simply because I have been so stuck on what “should be”.

Learning to be me again… finding myself in the midst of all that has been, has honestly been the hardest thing I’ve experienced in my life this far.

Maybe that sounds self centered considering the stuff I have witnessed and the horrors I have seen others go through.  But honestly, being a lost soul is a painful way to live.

Who am I is a  very interesting question.  I really wonder how many could and can answer that question with 100% confidence?

There are things… things I am going to have to do.. to let go of forever if I want my life to truly move forward.  And forgive.  There is a lot of forgiveness I need to do.

It’s easy to say… on I’m over that or forgive & forget.  You can say that, but the weight of your heart tells a different story.

Forgiveness… takes some work.  For me anyways.  I’ve finally come to realize, by not forgiving certain people about certain situations in my life that my life can never move completely forward.  I’ll always be stuck until I let those wounds heal properly.

And honestly, right now there are some people and some situations that I have no idea how I am going to truly forgive them for what they did.  I guess the only answer to that is to conversate with my higher power and ask to be shown the way.

There is one person at the top of my list… of can I fully ever forgive?  How do you forgive someone who is truly evil?  Who inflicted so much hurt, pain, abuse, manipulation… and the list goes on.  I’ve always said I could never truly hate anybody but I HATE this person.  It is a very black place in my soul when it comes to this person.  A part of me feelings like hating this person is okay, because they are so evil.  Hate is protection.  How can you forgive somebody who is the very essence of evil?

I guess… I ask…. conversate… wait.

I realized that I do not want to be remembered as my recent self.  We don’t know how many days we have left here.  And I just think… if I went tomorrow, next week, next month… the memory of me that would be fresh in the minds of my family and friends would be nothing like what I actually want to be remembered for and as.

This, like everything else, was given to me for a reason.  This season.  Maybe it was to lead me closer back to home.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Longing for Holiday
    Nov 30, 2008 @ 04:59:19

    I’ve not been around a lot lately, so, just caught your latest post. (sorry about the baby: a friends?) but I’d like to recommend a book by Tim Keller: The Prodigal God. It’s an easy read, and I think you’d like it (from what I’ve read here). Let me know what you think if you get it.



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