Per the suggestion of a book I am currently reading (one of those you know *cough*selfhelpbooks*cough*) I have been pounding away at my keyboard writing a detailed but still abbreviated bio of my life up until this point.

The experience has been… interesting to say the least.

Charred remains of what feels like a past life at times rise up through the ashes as I reconstruct a past.  I find it sad that times that there are certain things I can’t remember and a lot of those things are the better times of my childhood.  Like sitting in front of the christmas tree with my sister on Christmas morning and singing songs awaiting our parents awakening.  Alice the camel had…. go alice go… boom boom boom

I am finding that many of the defining moments in my life, have not been peaceful ones.  Indeed we have to be tumbled so that we can become smooth and glistening, and it appears that much of my tumbling went on in this first half (or what I would hope to be quarter) of my life.

I would like to believe it to be possible, that if we spend the first part of our lives being tumbled over rough stones, that the next part we will be polished with something softer, however I know that this isn’t how life works.  Indeed there are those people, we have all encountered, who seem to face one storm after the other, never really getting a clearing in between or even a ray of sunlight.

I don’t see myself as one of those people…thankfully.  Sure I feel I have been served up my fair share of crap on a rusty platter, but I feel genuinely blessed by the good times that I have had in between, and simply for the fact that all things considering, my life has been blessed.

At Thanksgiving, my mom sat at my table admiring the various trinkets and knickknacks in my house.  “You have a lot of nice things” she said.  I had never really thought about it before, and I certainly don’t place the quality of my life on the things that I own, but her point made me think…. yeah I do have a lot of nice things.  I have a lot of nice things for only being 24 years old.  When my mom was 24, they lived in a trailer with few nice things.  It took her nearly 40 years to begin to acquire really nice things.  Material wise, I actually have a lot to be thankful for.

I have a lot to be thankful for in other aspects of my life as well.  And a lot of those things I owe to the rough tumblings I have recieved early on.

I could go on and list those things here but right now I find it better for me to quietly reflect… and just to know.

I have always believed that the roughest times in our lives have the abilities to shape us into the either the best person we can be or the worst.  I have seen that lesson reflected so many times in my life, that I have no choice but to believe it to be true.  And I am not naive enough to believe that every rough lesson has shaped me in a better person.  There have been times when the rough lesson brought out the absolute worst in me.  But with that too, for me, it taught me a little more about myself so that I could become better, after seeing my worst.

My worst is bitter, hateful, angry, resentful.  My worst throws things in anger and says outloud the thoughts that I should keep to myself.  My worst screams and cries.  My worst threatens to make miserable the people I love the most.

My best reflects, loves, heals, comforts.  My best thinks before I speak and before I take action.  My best learns from the past and prepares for the future and lives for the present moment.

As much as I believe in fate, freewill allows me to chose which of those I be and become.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Meagan
    Dec 13, 2008 @ 00:11:32

    I know what you mean about defining moments being the bad ones. When I try to write memoir, I always end up focusing on the negative, not because I want to, but because that’s what seems important AND because no one would really want to read about the rest. As for whether it makes us better or worse… my feeling is that I like who I am right now and it’s impossible to detract which bits of my life contributed in which direction. If I like myself, I have to be glad of all of it: good and bad.


  2. tpgoddess0103
    Dec 13, 2008 @ 06:02:03

    Hi – found you thanks to Holidailies. As one who is oh…just shy of 20 years older than you (aack), I really related to this statement:
    “I am finding that many of the defining moments in my life, have not been peaceful ones. ”
    Yes, oh yes. And yes, those moments shape you. It’s all in how you react to them. Did you allow yourself to actively participate and learn, or did you pull away to be a bystander most likely doomed to repeat the mistakes at a future date?

    I look forward to seeing more of your posts during the month – you write very well.


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