Yup I got lost for a while there

Happy 2009!  I finally get around to posting again.  So much for holidailies this year *L*

I am thrilled to see 2008 gone and have nothing but high hopes for 2009.  Already something feels different about 2009.  Maybe I am just projecting my hopes onto this year but hey, at least I have faith that good things will come to me and my family & friends.

I  spent NYE in my house, getting a bit drunk, playing some games with my husband, talking on the phone with my brother, ringing in   the new year with some great sex lol…

I do find myself now as an adult, being reminded of how I often spent New Year’s as a teen.  As a younger teen, friends would always get together and have New Years parties.  We would sneak wine from Alesha’s parent’s liquor cabinet and then go outside at midnight and run around crazily for no real apparent reason lol

As the circle of friends began disappearing and we all no longer had our little parties on NYE I began usually ringing in the New Year alone, especially when I lived with my dad.  Dad would usually be in bed by 10… he’d randomly get up to smoke, usually after midnight asking me if I watched the New Year come in.  His nasty ex wife would be gone most of the night going to hang out at church.  I remember one year dad came home with crackers and that aresole cheese in a can for us to have for New Years lol

But I usually spent the time alone, reflecting on what the year had brought me and what I wanted for the new year.  Most of the time I came up with a long list of resolutions that I never ended up keeping in the upcoming year.  Year after year I often found myself writing similar resolutions, constant remind of failure from the previous year.  Every year would become THE year where my life would magically change and life would be everything I imagined that it could be.  And each year then again on December 31st, I realized that I had been let down and had let myself down and repeated the process.

It’s really not as sad as it sounds lol… but it is/was a reminder that I sometimes lack motivation towards changing the things in my life that I really want to change.  I fall off the wagon too easily.  Alas 2008 was not the year of change that I had hoped for, but I believe it really has set the basis for 2009 being a step towards change, based on the fact that 2008 was really about learning…

Things I learned in 2008 (petty and non petty alike lol):

Something about these numbers makes the year suck in general.

The only beauty in death is that it brings the living closer together.

Individual false eye lashes rock my world.

There’s never a thing as too much cheese unless it’s a large order of A&W’s fried cheese curds.

Some pharmacists will look at you like a drug addict based on pills the doctor prescribed you that you didn’t care if you got anyways.

Doctors are not gods.

Sometimes I give up too easily on things that really matter, and hang on too long to the things that don’t.

I am not going crazy or dying… I gave myself a stress induced breathing disorder and I will conquer it.

In the end, I have to trust my own experiences and not the experiences of others.

Paxil has helped my social anxiety and I didn’t even expect it to do that.  It is kind of cool to find myself having conversations with strangers and talking to people and not berating myself for what I said or didn’t say in the back of my head.

I deserve time to unload and relax.

Material objects aren’t really that important, we can’t take them with us when we go.

Photography is really super important to me and is what I want to do with my life without a doubt.  I feel a passion behind the lens that is not able to be described.  I forget about the world around me and live in the moment.

You cannot sacrafice yourself for the sake of another person unless you want to slowly destroy yourself.

To quote Nelson Mandela “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemy.”

***

This year, what I want for 2009, is to continue learning but to also practice change in my life this year.  Not to face Dec 31st, 2009 with regrets and disappointments but to look back and be like wow, I LIVED this year.   I faced my life without fears.  I just went with it and did it.

That is my biggest thing… the changes… the lessons I want to learn… they are about truly living life, to face everything without fear and just go do what I need to do.  To quote a line from Jay-Z’s “Can I Live”…. “I would rather die enormous than live dormant.”

That is what I want, to live enormous.  To live, really live.  That is the time in my life when I wasn’t plagued by doubts and fears and felt untouchable (I know now that I’m not untouchable, but sometimes when you are really in the moment, the feeling feels almost real)… when I was really living… when I was in the moment and enjoying my life.

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