Life feels hopeful

I still have my days when I feel like life has kicked the shit out of me, but for the most part, I feel very excited and hopeful about the future once again and that is a great feeling to have.  At one point I seriously wondered if I would ever feel that way again.

I’m super excited about becoming an aunt.  Sure I was initially a little freaked out by the way my sister having a baby would change the dynamics of our family but I am getting over it now.  I realize this little miracle will only bring more love and happiness into all our lives.  I think a part of me freaked out a little, b/c I spent so long around H and her kids and H’s life consisted of talking 24/7 about her kids because that was really all she consumed her life with.  Well that and fighting with her husband.  My mind kind of initially wandered to omg what if my sister and I can’t even have a conversation anymore that doesn’t involve baby this and baby that.  But I am beginning to realize that I don’t really need to worry about that.  Unlike H, and more like most other people with kids I know… she still has room for other things besides being all about baby 24/7.  We can still have conversations about other things.  She is still interested in my life as well.  Yes I’m a dork, but I did initially worry that she would begin to care less about what was going on with me and I would have to hear about nausea and cravings 24/7.  Again… bad experiences with other pregnant people IRL I guess *L*

I am super stoked to be planning her baby shower.  Though I must say, decisions will be much easier to make regarding that once they find out if baby moose is a boy or a girl.  And that kid better show off the goods cuz auntie raychel is having a hard time making decisions about things!

I must admit that I am a bit nervous about going back to classes, although I am not approaching it this time with a do or die mentality.  That was actually a pretty dire mistake to have made last year and well… look what happened.  Basically all I want to do is know that I did my best.  That is it.   Nothing more, nothing less.  If I do that, then I can’t feel bad, have any regrets, ect.

It is no doubt time to give massive consideration to my health.  I refuse to sit in my doctor’s office in tears because I feel awful mentally & physically.  If I have to whine, scream, cry & fight with myself to get there, I will.  It is bad enough that I will always wonder in the back of my mind if my lack of care of it especially these past few years will come back to haunt me sooner or later down the road, but at least in the mean time I can get to feeling good again.  Physical exercise and eating correctly included.  In fact, I need to go update my school ID so I can go use the gym again until warm weather comes around I can get back on my bike.  I need to get back to doing meditation… something I enjoyed immensely shortly after our wedding until craziness happened in my life.  And of course constantly working on breathing exercises.

I have no yet conquered the HVS.  I recognize it now.  A lot better anyways.  It doesn’t cause the stress that it did, although it can still be stressful at times…It would be nice if I could seek help from a physical therapist but I don’t know if I could afford to do that on a regular basis.

I truly whole heartedly believe though that there will be a day when I conquer that.. my pain issues… be well physically & mentally and be a happy, whole, successful human being.


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