5 fucking years

I feel stress in me with school starting.  I know I shouldn’t.  There is really no reason too.  But I feel it.

I got onto my school’s page and logged in to all my junk, did a quick scan to see if a class that I wanted that had been full had gotten any openings.  It had.  I tried to register for it only, only to realize that I would need department permission based on my standings.  It made me cringe.  Not because asking for department permission would be a bad thing, but because it reminded me how far behind I am *sigh*

I sighed and pretty much said fuck it.  It is just a class I was interested in.  With changing my major it would do absolutely nothing for me but just count as a random bullshit elective.  I can’t do that right now.  I need to take things that I need.  I have to take things that I need.  Or else I’ll be here forever.

I say that although I am technically taking one class I don’t need for my major… but I do need it for my minor… which I still plan on getting since I am so close to completing all credits for it.  A minor in comparative religion.

It is 2009.  This fall will start my 5th year in college.  My 5th fucking year.  5 fucking years.  5.  And nothing to show for it except a whole lot of frustration.

Where did I think I would be in my life at this point?  I should have graduated by now.  I should be anticipating my first year out of schooling.  Really thinking about maybe starting a family… among other things.  *sigh*

Summer classes will be a must this year.  As many as I can afford to take.  It is my only way to get my foot back in the door of getting done sooner.  That and possibly looking into to wracking up some extra credits next fall.  To step it up beyond just the 12 credit hours.  I can at least manage 15… one extra class.  2 extra classes would be even better if possible.

It’s serious to me at this point that I begin taking massive amounts of control of my life.  Already I have felt myself wandering into 2009 struggling with things I wanted to change.  Pushing this and that back one more day.. and then one more day.  At least this time I recognizing it right away.  Thankfully we are only 11 days in.  If all I manage to waste of this year is 11 days, then that in and of itself will be a miracle.

But the familiar feelings that I escaped by taking a semester off are starting to resurface.  The fears, the insecurities.  Things I didn’t recognize before, but now after taking a semester off and then to find them to be resurfacing, I recognize now.  I know where they originate now.  I’m going to have to be extra good to myself these next few weeks, so I get in the grind w/o falling apart, without letting my anxieties get the best of me.    As nice as it was to take a semester off to practice avoidance (let’s be honest, more or less that it what it ended up being on so many accounts)… life has taught me over and over again that avoidance leads to shit going haywire.

The past 11 days miswell be a waste of my plans for 2009, but that is okay.  Better off dealing with that than jumping into it gung ho on Jan 1st only to say fuck it 11 days later are my thoughts.  I will start doing and planning now.  No matter what, this will not be another year where like I said in a previous post… I reflect back on on 12-31-09 and sigh and say maybe 2010.

I will sit down later as well, bust out the bulletin and bingo sheets…. and try to devise a plan to graduate as soon as possible for me.  That is the major thing for me.  I need to be out there as soon as humanly possible.  I am tired and exhausted of the process.  Anymore time than what I absolutely need… is taking away from other aspects of my life that I want to enrich.  Taking away from the next part of my story that I want to begin writing.


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