Hi. I like pills.

I realized it is probably a good thing to some extent that I don’t have access to Vicodin much…b/c I could easily become a pill head.  Okay not really…I wouldn’t be that stupid ever (hey I watched that Intervention with the pill head chick, no fucking thanks!)  , but I took the last of my Vicodin tonight b/c I was feeling achy and blah and I had 2 pills left from my ER visit months ago for the back so I figured I would just take it and sleep well tonight, but damn… does it feel nice lol  Of course it only feels this nice if taken on a completely empty stomach, which I did.  But yeah, I do have an affinity for things that make me feel totally like I am melting in my couch.  It is unfortunate that that feeling doesn’t exist without substances.

I’ve been feeling stressed lately about school… which kinda lends itself to hey, when don’t I feel stressed about school, but I get stressed worse when I feel like I’m falling behind… which is how I’ve been feeling.  My sleeping schedule has been beyond fucked up and I’m entering this cycle of stress, insomnia, stress about insomnia… blah blah fucking endless cycle.

The good news is that I am starting to realize the cyclic patterns in my life.  It isn’t that i didn’t realize them before, but for some reason they just didn’t make as much sense to me.  Now they are starting to make sense.  A happens because of B… B happens because of C… C happens again because of A… blah blah blah.

Last night I had crappy ass dreams.  I hate when I have dreams such as those.  I suppose because it is nearing the annivesary of Missy’s death, I have been dreaming about her a lot.  The dreams just seem really weird to me because a lot of times my dreams don’t register her as gone.  It is like in my dreams I know she is gone, but I see her there alive and I know is she is going to die and it just seems really weird to me.  Last night however I had dreams both about Missy’s and H’s dad who passed away of cancer also, when we were in the 9th grade.

Both were death dreams and very frightening and odd, but at the same time in a way reassuring that I am beginning to see death in a different light. It has been something that has haunted me for quite a while based on how much exposure I have had of it being only 24… but I’m trying… very hard to escape my previous feelings and fears about it because it just isn’t worth it deal with it in that aspect when it is just as much a part of life as anything else is.

That said, I am glad that the memories of this time last year are beginning to fade a little bit.  I was haunted by so long by those… but like most things, time erases the freshness of a wound and leaves behind the scar tissue.  Sometimes smooth, sometimes rough but scar tissue nonetheless.

**

I am very thrilled to report that it looks like I may be working out my first photoshoot for the ad that I posted!  I actually got an email from somebody who was not a perv lol and seems like it legit.  I plan to email her back tomorrow (or rather later on today)  and further work out some details.   I am excited at the possiblity, nervous as well.  But it is also exciting to know… that just maybe if I can make one person happy with my work that perhaps they will spread the word to family or friends and I could line up other stuff.  I just hope that I can do this and it will be succesful.  I am extremely nervous though.  She is asking for family potraits and shots of her kids… which is great but seeing that I don’t have a ton experience this this realm, it is going to be slightly nervewracking.  My expertise so far… as not been in people when it comes to photography.  I have really just embraced nature photographs… that is my biggest photography folder organized on my comp next to my pets.  So yeah, it will be something different but I want to work with people, so I have to start somewhere.  How hard can it be?   Famous last words and such, right?

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