Too many thoughts

I have a dream that one night I will lay down in my bed…sigh a happy sigh (not an anxious one) and feel that I accomplished all I set in the day that I had meaning to do.  Instead the list keeps piling up and I get more and more behind, to the point that I begin to forget things I meant to do…wanted to do… needed to do.

I constantly feel like I’m drowning in a sea of to dos.  Oh sure, there is a part of me that knows I could do everything half assed and at least get somewhat caught up, but I have a problem with doing that.  When I do things, I do them to the best of my ability, give my 100% to them so nothing is left feeling undone.  I can’t stand the feeling on something only being partially completed or knowing that I didn’t give my best or I didn’t get it all done the way I wanted.  I don’t know why, but that feeling just irks me to know end.  Sometimes it comes in handy… work.. school… and sometimes it is a bit stupid… like the day it didn’t feel right if I just swiffered the floor…I had to have it scrubbed.

I spent 6 hours or so tonight doing stuff for my math course.  Thankful that there was an audio/video online thing online of some of the lessons b/c at one point I yelled out “this is the point where I fail this course”…chapter 3 yeah lol Sadly there is no proof that I will pass yet… as it will only get more difficult and my brain lacks the capacities to follow math.  Math & putting together furniture apparently.

We got a new entertainment set up for the living room…which will probably be my anniversary gift.  I really wanted it tho… hated the old set up to be honest.  I have an obsession with home decorating, even though I probably spend 85% of my time at home in my safe sacred cave that is my bedroom even tho it isn’t yet how I completely want it yet either.  Everything is a work in progress with not enough time to do it all.

I had wanted to do my annotated bibliography deal tonight… just so I could look at the weekend and know that I was more or less caught up or even head… all for me and focusing on the photography deal ahead.  After 6 hours of math though my brain was completely fried and I am much to tired that even the thought now makes me want to hurl.  But you know… can’t be that hard to work it in in the upcoming days.  If it is all I have to do school related… I can deal with that I think.

Next week I have to be smarter about the math deal… instead of cramming 2 weeks into 1-2 nights of studying and work.

Completely random, but since I colored my hair blonde again I have noticed that people seem to treat me different *L*… I swear they seem friendlier to me now.  It is weird.

….so besides the annotated dealy… and coming up with a scheme for this photography thing… I am taking the next few days to really focus on me and get in the right state of mind about some things and begin changing some things in my life.  Change is like a slow stream…washing over you… at first you just feel is there, but just like it can mold a stone by washing over it continuously, it does the same to you…eventually persuading you to yield to it as well.  I have been fighting it, clinging to my familiar… now, I’m ready to yield.

My familiar now… the only familiar I need to cling to is my God(dess) .  I realized a couple weeks ago that that was my constant.  And I also realized… sometimes I get angry at certain things happening… pray and get no’s….sometimes yeses… sometimes I’ll think about its… but I appreciate the stability of my higher power, how I perceive it.  Because if we could just ask, and get…imagine the chaos lol

Just starting to embrace that spiritual aspect of my life as the ultimate stability.


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