Fire. I need fire!

My house has a sad aura lately.  Seriously.  And I dunno why.  Maybe because everyone in it seems sad or stressed or worried or troubled and blah blah blah

I know for sure I do.

Various things that have been bothering me…

***I’m starting to wonder if for some reason I hold onto things that stress me out and bug the shit out of me in kind of some strange way in that I’m used to life being that way and maybe a part of me doesn’t know what I would do without it…. kind of like some sick way to punish myself or something is how it feels sometimes.

***I miss my husband… it seems like we hardly ever get to spend any time together anymore and I totally hate that.  I am not a clingly person, believe me I have times when I adore my space.  I adore my own space a lot actually, but sometimes it gets to be too much.  There is a predictable pattern that life goes in during the year and even though I know it by heart now, I still don’t have to like it.  Maybe because it is such a predictable pattern, that makes it a little worse, I don’t know.  It really doesn’t end ever…just a couple times a year there’s a break in the regular pattern and it is refreshing and needed, and then it all starts again.  I start living for the breaks.  His head tends to get completely in what he is doing.  That’s him, I’ve learned it by now.  It used to cause a lot of fights simply because I felt totally neglected.  Now I feel like I just sourta hafta take it to some degree.  The famous saying of it is what it is.  It doesn’t help that now he is stressed out because his one job isn’t giving him hours… add that to the film stuff which I have said time and time again that I would never ask him to limit that… b/c that is his passion (and it makes me a bit hot to see him so passionate about something lol) but dammit I would like more us time… where we do something fun.  He’s fine with sitting on the couch and watching tv or movies or something, and doesn’t seem to get that I’m not like that.  I mean yes, that does qualify as spending time together, but I’m the type of person who likes to be doing something and tv/movies doesn’t really register as “doing something” to me.  I don’t know, I guess all I’m saying that I’ve had too much me time lately.

***School has had me stressed the fuck out since day numero uno.  And then I start to adjust, and get beat down again.  I was informed last week by my research writing class prof that unless I planned on not missing a single beat the rest of the semester and did extremely well on everything from this point on, it would probably be best for me to audit or drop the class and either try again or take a different course.  That was too much fucking pressure and I said fuck it, I will audit it.  I’m not in the position to not miss a fucking beat… I have to have room to miss a beat or I crack.  I think it will be for the best though for numerous reasons.  1) I was sucking ass at writing that paper, every draft and her critique of it made me feel dumbfounded, like what the hell does she want.  Her way of having us write the paper was so ridiculous that the entire class was bitching about it the other day when she wasn’t in the room yet.  Regardless of how smart I think or know I am… I don’t know how to properly do a fucking college level research paper.  I was never taught that in high school… and high school has been almost 10 years ago for me and the only ‘research’ paper we did do in high school was nothing like a college level one.  It was basically collect information and report it back.  2) I would have never made it through the 20 minute presentation.  I didn’t pussy out of it from the beginning because somewhere in my mind I was like okay, I have no clue how I am going to do this but I’ll find a way.  Well truth be told I wouldn’t have found a way, would have skipped it because it freaked me out and proceeded to fail the course anyways.  Who knows.

And my math class… basically I am living on a prayer there…from quiz to quiz and test to test.

Bah…when I feel like this I have images of running around setting stuff on fire lmao… you know where that comes from I think… fire=purifying… and like I said…the aura in this house…it needs purified badly.  I might have to go around later today with some incense and smudge herbs and see if I can clean it up a bit.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Natalie
    Mar 01, 2009 @ 02:03:59

    Jesus, that’s nice of that class. It always pissed me off when instructors were all high and fucking mighty and really believed that their class is the only thing in the world. You know what? There’s more to life than ONE class… especially one that you don’t even know what you do properly. Do they have any classes at your college about writing research papers? We had to take one for communications and it was really helpful, actually. Just learning HOW to do it.


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