Leaving the devil behind

Kinda weird place lately….

First off, tapering off Paxil…from the 40mg to 35mg is going okay.  I have terrible insomnia though and days when I feel pretty useless b/c of brain fog but it is getting better and dramamine helps a lot.  I just don’t think though I’m going to be able to go from 35 to 30 though.  So it will probably be more like 35 to 32.5.  I wish I had  these great positive experiences to read about people getting of Paxil no problemo when weaning, because unfortunately all I find is a bunch of woe is me…. my life is a deep dark abyss type shit.  I understand that for some people, it really is that… but I’m trying to remove exposure to that kind of stuff out of my life.  Reading depressing stuff all the time is well…. depressing.  It changes the way your brain perceives thing…you own situation.

I’m doing this b/c of my ultimate goal in the end… being able to have a family.  Being on Paxil…. the thought has been dead to me.  I know I can’t even think about.  I couldn’t even wish for a surprise baby w/o feeling like the worst person in the world.  It was like saying, oh I don’t care if I have a child with a heart defect or knowningly  risk a child’s health or set myself up for a miscarriage, ect.  It was intangiable… at all levels… and I honestly thought it might be intangiable for years to come.  I have other reasons as well, but this is the biggest.

It’s not easy to embrace how I know I must change my life in order to stay healthy mentally and physically.  I let myself age a thousand years and coming back from that is hard.  The past couple years have been the hardest in my life, but in the midst of that, I have seen glimpses of what is to come, what can be possible, what will be.  I used to feel so hopeless, so resigned…. but not anymore.

Things really changed for me just a few weeks back, when I shot the quinceanera.  It was the first time in my life I was 1000% positive that I was doing the right thing, heading in the right direction in my life.  It was my total glimpse into things to come, into my future.

There’s that saying that if you do something you love you’ll never work a day in your life and that is how I totally felt.

So yeah…. I’m planning for the future now, not just thinking “oh shit, how do I make it thru today.”


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