Disgusted

Yesterday we went to my dad’s house for Easter.  I handed my sister & Kiowa my camera to take some pics of me with my dad… with my dad’s dog who was once my dog…. I got home and uploaded the pictures.  I felt absolutely repulsed looking at myself.  It was like looking at somebody I didn’t even recognize.  I used to have pictures taken of myself quite often… it’s been quite a while since I had pictures with me in them regularly.

My face no longer has a shape… my arms are huge… and my belly bulges.  Standing next to my pregnant sister who is just entering her third trimester… I feel like…fuck we’re pretty much the same size, only her belly is of course nice and round filled with baby and mine is just kind of bloated and saggy but almost fucking sticking out as much.  I feel so disgusted.

I posted yesterday about just feeling like my body has fallen apart and how it got that way… and no I realize the effects it has suffered and no fucking wonder I feel like shit all the time… gee no wonder my back hurts all the time… no wonder I get exhausted doing average things.  I’m fat.  No longer chunky… no longer a lil’ overweight.  I am officially fat.  I need to lose 50 fucking pounds to be remotely happy with myself again.  And to be considered ‘healthy’ once again?  I need to lose more around 80.

I know I don’t have an option… I can’t just wake up and be in shape again.  I either have to work at it or continue on like this and/or possibly gain even more.

I just want to go curl up and cry in self pity mode for just letting myself go to fucking shit.

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