Fear.  Fear is what sums up the past recent years of my life.

I went from being free to becoming a prisoner of fear.  There are no specific fears, or rather there are, but they have been completely covered with irrational fears or fears I have chosen to focus on rather than the true issues.  My body has used physical ailments to distract me from feeling my true emotions and dealing with my real problems.  I suppose to some degree dealing with the physical is more predictable than dealing with the emotional.

I know I am heading down the right path.  I realize that it was my own doing that got my brain in this state so it is entirely possible to undo the damage that I have done.  So far already just being conscious of negative thoughts and replacing them with postive mantras has helped so much.  I know my mind cannot turn peace and happiness and calmness into anything bad.  When that shifts in my brain… it is so hard for me to even figure out how I get into the previous completely terrified states of the things that I love the most… and the thing that I love the most is life.  How can I fear something that I cling to so greatly… and yet I do.

I fear failure.. not living up to my full potential, not being loved, being alone, not being good enough, never having good friends around me, throwing my life away, being judged, feeling lost, never finding inner peace, not bettering myself…

It feels so peaceful just to admit what I am really afraid of and to know how it has manifested itself within my life.

I think my fear of the end of life… of death.. is not so much simple a fear of death itself but of leaving this life unfullfilled.  I think that is my greatest fear of all.  Because I never knew it was possible to feel this unfullfilled but I have felt very unfullfilled for the past several years of my life.  Oh sure, I’ve had glimmers of fullfillment where I know I am not completely lost and I know currently that in some ways I am not lost, but in so many ways I have so utterly unfullfilled.

A lot of the things that I have done, I thought would fill that hole, and they haven’t.  I have felt unfullfilled in many of my relationships, in my ability to create, in my spiritual life, in myself… just  a continued feeling of unfullfillment.

I have tried everything to fill those holes except what I should have been doing.  I should havbe started a journey within a long time ago and really explored everything.  Instead I brushed it all under the rug expecting life to magically improve because of external forces when there is nothing that external forces truly do.  It is inside of me.  Everything has alawys been inside of me forever.  But I lost sight of that completely.  I lost sight of my own power.  Of my own ability to heal.  I used to believe it fully.  I used to know it 100%… and then I lost it completely.  I started doubting myself and I essentially gave up.  I let life beat me up and throw me away.

Well I am done playing the victim.  I am getting back up and am going to regain my strength in this life.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Klara Kazmi
    Aug 06, 2009 @ 17:53:25

    Keep Shining 😉


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: