All surprises are life changing… in some way rather large or small.  Each pregnancy announced… a surprise and life changing in so many ways.  Falling in love, always for me a surprise to find somebody that you click with and watch your feelings develop.  Surprises aren’t always good either… bad surprises… finding out how somebody will react under a negative circumstance… surprised over your own reaction to something… good or bad.

I used to love surprises.  I felt like the unexpected in life is what made life so liveable, so exciting.  Life was supposed to be unpredictable and that’s what made it life.  But then somewhere along the way I started to fear surprises.  Maybe because every single surprise was a bad surprise or a surprise that happened when I wanted life to be still for a while.

But it isn’t about what I want.  But thought it was.  I don’t know why.  Perhaps slowly being overloaded.  I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore or something.  Life’s surprises became life’s stresses and I’m not sure why.  I guess it is something that I need to investigate further because I really would like to be that person again who really can embrace life as it comes at them, rather it be something good or something bad.

I used to be the same way about being alone… I used to be different.  I used to be able to really embrace my alone time, maybe because I had so much of it I made do with what I had to do.  But then I started feeling scared when I was alone, especially when I was alone a lot.  I don’t know why.  I just hated it so immensely.  My body reacted to being alone negatively.  It would create all this physical stuff, all this physical anxiety.  I went from being so free and independent to almost being codependent.  I’ve been trying to learn how to enjoy being alone again.  I like to write when I’m alone, read… create.  It was when I lost sight of those things as well that I feared being alone so much.  I didn’t know what to do.  And in a way, I guess it was a painful reminder of what I was losing, that ability to create.  I was just lost in my thoughts and emotions with no way to deal with them anymore.  I forgot how to deal with things.  Maybe to some degree some things went well for too long that when I needed to cope again I had completely forgotten how.  All my coping tools were gone and I instead turned to things that didn’t work.

Change doesn’t come overnight.  As much as I have wished for it too I’m finally getting that it takes a hell of a lot of work.

Sometimes though I do dream of the ultimate alone time.  I would like to escape to a small open air cabana with clear blue salt waters surrounding me.  No TV, no internet, no technology.  I would just like to be there with my thoughts… writing… smelling the salty air and basking in the sunshine.  And then throwing myself into the warm crystal blue waters and floating and swimming for hours at a time.  Just complete utter peace away from the rest of the world to fully reflect and recharge.

Someday I will.


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