Procrastination & the Past

Maybe it is not that I don’t have the free time.. just perhaps not the same urge to create.  I dunno.  I feel like I put off things I want to do because I’m so swamped with life and responsibility but I’m just tired a lot.  I don’t know how to explain it really.  I have baskets and lists of projects… why don’t they ever get worked on?  All I can think of is that I feel tired so much, that when I do have free time, I want to rest.  And I don’t even know what I have to feel tired about except that I don’t take care of myself and that is probably the biggest thing that I have to change.  I have to take care of myself again so that I can finally do all those things I put off.  I think about when I was younger and I really felt good and healthy and I ask myself why was it better then and why now am I so run down?  And maybe it was because I exercised in some form everyday.. ate less & better… drank more water…. I was just better thus I was healthier.  I dunno why I act like it is such a huge mystery to me.

I just… , my passion sometimes seems as if it is missing.  They way I used to write… draw… love.  Is it the Paxil?  Is it my lifestyle?  How do I find out?  Trial and error?

I have a mural on my bedroom wall…words… Relax, Live, Create, Laugh, Smile, & Dream.  These are all the things in my life that I need.  The only one that leaves me questioning is what does it mean to Live?  I mean really really LIVE?

Lately the goal seems to be to retrain my brain into accepting life.  I have spent years training it to fear life… must retrain brain to love life.

I remember a time in my life when I felt so blessed… no regrets… it was the only way to live.  It was a beautiful way to live.  No regrets.  No looking back.  No would haves.  No should haves.  And now, well I have spent so much of my recent years looking back when there used to be a time when I only looked forward.  It seems so backwards.  I thought I would always look forward.  I never dreamed I would dwell so much on the past and let life pass me by in the meantime.  So much of my recent life has been a meaningless blur because I’ve chosent to live in the past instead of the now..looking to the future.  I think I need to make some choices and take some chances.  I’m always scared of taking chances and… hearing the answers.  Maybe I should just go for everything I fear and live a little recklessly again and without any regrets.  Just to see… and if it all goes terribly wrong than it just does… and who knows… maybe doing something like that is waht I need to do.  Maybe I need to do everything I fear and just see what happens.  Maybe I should risk failure more often.  Maybe I shouldn’t be afraid to fail.  Maybe I should embrace and attempt to love every single thing that sets me on the edge.  Because of my inability to cope in recent years I have been on a path of prevention.  Prevent feeling this… prevent dealing with that.  The only one who has been held back and has suffered is me.

I haven’t saved myself from anything.  Not like I thought I did.  I thought I was just protecting myself and in reality I’ve just me shutting it all down and just silencing myself and my life in order to maintain some sort of safety that in rality was just hurting, haunting, & destroying me.

I have chosen the life that I currently have.  I am not a victim but an active participant in all this.  I have made all the decisions that broguht me to where I am.  If I wanna live in the  past…. well here you go girl…. back in the day when you felt awful, you did something about it.

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