Secrets & the Discovery of Guilt

I have no secrets.  Not from myself.  I acknowledge them all.  No matter how painful.  It would be different for me to share them with anyone else.  I have lived my life very privately… keeping my secrets out of the hands of others.  Inside though, there as been a part of me that has wished I could live more publically so to speak.  For my story to be known by more and for them to love and accept me in spide of it.  Instead I do find people connect over bits and pieces that I finally let slip… but it takes a lot for my to divulge my secrets.  I only do so when I feel like I’m forced int oa corner and some things I know I will never be forced into a corner over.  There some things I’ll never talk about, even if I carry them with me for life, because they are mine… they are my secrets and I know they live inside of me and continue to shape who I am, cause me to make the decisions that I do and sometimes… even feel the things that I do.

What is to be gained by sharing these bits and pieces?  In a way… it feels safer to keep them mine.  What is there to gain  sharing what is yours… what you have carried and dealt with?  Mostely all I see is judgement.  I don’t really believe that it is possible to share certain things with people without piercing judgement.  And it’s not judgement that I want.  It’s not even acceptance, understanding, compassion, pity… anything.  I don’t want anything from my secrets and I guess that is why I am mostly okay with having them… and what at times seems like so many of them.

The only secrets that hurt are the ones that elicit guilt.  Those are theo nes you want to spill… to ease some of the guilt.  Guilt is such a soul sucking emotion.  But things that are riddled with guilt are likely to be murdered my judgement if you release them.  And often the kind of judgement that makes you want to go jump off a bridge.

All I know to do with those secrets is hand them over to God, knowing that it was never my intention to have it happen like it did.  Guilt though… I guess it means that you that you did something “wrong”.  Yet I think about the things, the secret I feel guilty for and wonder how much they were really wrong… and I think about the people surrounding those secrets that cause so much of the guilt feeling.

It’s odd, because there are secrets in my life that I think, wow I should really actually feel guilty about that or remorseful or something but yet… I don’t.

But when I think of those things I also know that I followed my heart about them, they were not so rash.  Maybe emotional at times yes, but I trusted in my emotions.

I guess the things I feel the guiltest about are the things that are negative, have caused me distress, sometimes great distress, but I cannot confront the source of the distress.  And for some reason, these compounding factors lead me to feeling guilty.  I know, yet they don’t know.  That makes me feel guilty.  It doesn’t apply to every secret that fits that criteria, but to the ones that bother me the most.

And even if I have told somebody else… it doesn’t erase the guilt.  And if I told the person… it wouldn’t erase it because you know… judgement and all.

But how am I judging myself for these secrets?  Maybe I’ve just spent so much time harboring guilt about them because it was easier than actually dealing with what the secret was all about anyways.


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