Being Yourself… or rather who is “yourself”

I don’t think I am totally myself with anybody.  I don’t know how to be.  For most of my life I have been somebody different with each person that I’ve encountered.  It’s a bit disturbing really.  The only time I feel myself coming out… being myself truly in a way is on message boards/blogs/ect that I frequent online because I guess there is some anonomity on the internet that makes me feel safer to be myself.  That and I’m never put on the spot… I can give something a good long thought if I need too before I ‘say’ it.

It’s not that I don’t long to completly be myself with those closest to me, it is just that sometimes I don’t know how to be.  I feel like okay, xxx expects me to be a certain way and xxx expects me to be a certain different way and it does get exhausting.  I got so used to living this way that it was like okay, I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I feel like I would be closer with certain people if I could truly be myself, but for some reason it’s difficult… I think because I fear judgement too much, I’m not sure.  I also have a hard time expressing myself.  I feel often like I speak in a way that people don’t ‘get’.  when writing I don’t have that problem but when I’m speaking I do.  It only adds to my feelings of awkwardness.

Judgments… at the end of the day I try to decide what judgments matter.  I’ve lived a lot of my life (especially after getting the great label of ‘high school drop out’) trying to prove people wrong about me, as if it really mattered anyways.  The truth is, and it does make me sad to realize it but it is true, is there isn’t really ANYTHING I can do that will make people change their minds about me if they don’t want to to begin with.

To want some kind of praise for doing this or that is just stupid of me in a way.  Okay, no stupid…. maybe moe naive or wishful thinking.  I was happier when I didn’t do so many things just for the approval of others. (Ask me how I ended up wasting the first couple years of college and was intially a psych major).

In some ways, the past few years have been like reliving the worst years of junior high/early high school all over again.

Maybe I’ll get closer to ‘graduation’ soon.


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