I Haz a Sad

It is probably just stupid pms.  I hate hormones.  Not to mention I’m so bloated I feel like if I bumped into something sharp I would pop.

I woke up from a terrible dream.  I’m one of those people who has a terrible dream and then wake up feeling as if it were real.  Which is really such bullshit.  It is like okay mind, this didn’t really happen, so you don’t have to feel like it did.  Stupid mind.

Then I decided to stalk look up people I used to know on facebook for no apparent reason.  This is where most of my sad came from.  I know you can make your life look however you want it to on facebook but it just seemed like everybody I knew…used to know… whatever had perfect lives.  Finished school…. lived in cool places…. had cool jobs… made beautiful babies.  So I went into FML mode.  Oh hai, I’m 25 (well pretty more or less)… still in school…could very well be there for the  next 4-5 years who the hell knows… and uhhh not much else going on for me.  I don’t know what the hell I think I should have going on for me, but apparently it is more than this.

I’m never happiest as I am out doing a photo gig.  I know that now and it is KILLING me that work seems impossible to come by.  It is KILLING me that I know I have a natural talent for this… I’m frittering away in school… when I just wish I could work.  I wish I could get a loan… start a business…. and just put all my efforts into that and make it work.  I have absolutely no idea how being in school is going to get me any closer to that, except that I get to go into debt to schmooze.

And I think it kills me a bit too… to want to start a family but not being able to.

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