Powerless (or not)

Almost everybody in my life knows how to push my buttons I’ve come to realize.  Perhaps it is because I am an over emotional and slightly (slightly? lol) neurotic person.  I suppose if I got rid of everybody who pushed my buttons I would be a rather lonely person indeed.  It’s ironic tho how many of them push it by not listening to what I am actually saying.  (Or maybe that’s my perception, maybe they are not listening to what I’m actually not saying.)

Right now, I feel completely powerless over the financial aid situation.  In fact, this is like completely powerless because somebody else holds my future in their hands basically.  It sucks and hurts because I didn’t have the ability at the time to make the proper decisions so now somebody else is going to make them for me and it actually makes me very angry as well because I constantly think too… that none of this had to happen … had to get this bad.

But… I really tried to push through that semester that I took off.  I really did try to just… deal.  I would go to class and have a panic attack the entire 2 hours of a class.  But I tried.

It’s hard to try to think of it as a lesson of giving up control, but that’s what I’m trying to do.  The fear… the anxiety… has been about CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL.  And now something HUGE is out of my control.  Completely, except for filling out the forms, writing the letter, and gathering what turned out to be scant information.

I can’t control the rest of this and it is fucking TERRIFYING, but at the same time, the only thing to do is to yield to it and find some nature of acceptance because nothing can change it now.

I just don’t like feeling powerless.  Not when I’ve fought so hard to maintain control.  But I guess now I question how in control I’ve really been anyways.  Because I have been making decisions, sure, but I have not been making many of those decisons based on what I want or need.  I have been making many of those decisions out of fear, out of anxiety, out of hopelessness & desperation (a theme? Yes.)

The past couple years, so few of my decisions have truly been my choice.  And the ones that have?  Those have not left me with negative consenquences, bad feelings, or disappointments.  I am learning that those decisions that the authentic me makes, are always in my best interest.  Yes, always.  Because if I really listen to my spirit, it does not lead me astray.  It empowers me.  Denying it however puts me into powerless situations in which I can never truly win.

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