Needing and Boundaries

I don’t mind people knowing my thoughts about the things I have discussed here, hence why I feel compelled to blog some of them to begin with.  In matters of privacy in my household, I do trust my husband not to impede on my personal space… such as my journals.  If he did, I guess that would be his issue more than mine since there is nothing hidden.  I just don’t feel the need to explain the things and lil’ chats I have with myself privately.

Needing people… people that you need.  I need my husband.  I can’t imagine my world without him.  Ask me to try and I will just tell you it is fucked up.  I need my mom.  She never fails to understand me.  I need my sister because she is my true female best friend.  I need my brother because he reminds me not to give a shit about other people’s perceptions.  I need my nephew because he has shown me how amazing the love of family can be.

I sometimes in my despair, feel like nobody needs me, but I know that isn’t true.  I know my husband needs me or we wouldn’t be together.  I know pretty much that all the people that I listed that I need, need me as well.  Somehow we all manage to balance each other out, sometimes in weird ways.

Sometimes I like feeling needed… sometimes I don’t.  It’s a balance I guess of feeling loved and wanted and feeling like when people need you that you have a huge responsibility.  Of course being the social creatures that we are, there are only select times when I don’t want to feel needed.

There’s a difference between people who need you and people who need you to use you.  Sometimes it is not obvious at first.  You think that somebody needs you, but reality is they are using.  I’ve unfortunately had a lot of friendships like that.  I seem to attract those types of people, or at least I did.

I’m starting to realize the delicate balance of give and take in relationships much better than I used to.

I was one of those people that gave, gave, and gave and gave some more and maaaaaaaaan… when people figured that out, 95% of them would exploit the shit out of it.  And that fuels so much anger and resentment that it can be almost unreal.  In fact I quit my first job I had in WI over it which was such a shame because I actually really did love the job otherwise and was well on my way to promotions ect.  I just couldn’t deal with it.  I was so mentally exhausted by everyone dumping their work and all their shit on me, and I just couldn’t say no.

But again, now… it is MY CHOICE, my choice to say when enough is enough.  Or that you can’t use me, or take from me without giving back in return.

Little bits of power regained one step at a time.


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