Hello Self, are you there?

I do things that aren’t what I want or need because I quit listening to my heart.  I quit asking myself what it was that I wanted.  There was then a gap.  Then I started letting people fill in the gap with their own suggestions or demands… thinking maybe they could be mine… or maybe this is what I have to do in order to be loved or to be accepted… or liked… or whatever.  (Theme much?)

I would get mixed messages… forget other people… worry about yourself… do what makes you happy… except this didn’t apply when it came to me pleasing them.. doing what they wanted me to do.

Never knowing how to say no… because I feared people reacting negatively to me doing so.  Hello doormat, have we met?  Lately I hear a little voice beckoning me once in a while… What Do You Want?  The answers show up in weird places… Desperately wanting to make and eat some strawberry freezer jam or finding a huge Moroccan lantern (which looked even bigger once I got it out of the store and into my house) and knowing if I walk away without it I have not denied a material urge, but a damn near spiritual one.

I used to not question these urges.  I just did.  It was the random whimsical part of me.  Make strawberry jam?  Okay.  Why any production over such thing?

I try to remember that most of the people who love me or remotely like me have generally gotten to know at least some of the real me that isn’t concerned with yes… no… people pleasing blah blah blah and thus apparently manage to love/like/remotely like me for mostly what appears to be the true I/me/self.  Thus I am baffled by some of my own actions sometimes and even more baffled by my thoughts.

I guess the guards have just been so difficult to let down for some reason or another, but yet I can’t seem to point to any particular reason why.  There really seems to be no one particular incident, not even a series of small ones.  Nothign that actually happened outside of my own intrusive and often abusive thoughts.

So what made me believe I was so unworthy?  I mean really if there was no big thing, didn’t there have to be incidents of smaller things?  Didn’t it have to be something?

Maybe there have been no personal attacks on my personality.  Well, I won’t say none, but none that I hold to be truth.  Maybe it was more of the ripping apart of my physical self over my life… that in turn led to self esteem issues.. that in turn led to all of this.

It’s kinda funny to know that peace can be attained by dropping the I, by becoming egoless, selfless, but yet I don’t think it is possible much less healthy to be able to drop some of the self without first healing it.

It just really feels stupid to be like okay, you’re a weak wounded mess, but I’m just gonna let you go and good luck with all of that.

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