I still haven’t been able to shake that feeling of feeling incomplete, unsatisfied, something missing.  I hate it.  Is it all in my head?  WTF is about?  I find myself searching for an answer and I think such a big part of it is… I feel out of control when it comes to certain things.

I feel out of control when it comes to weaning off of Paxil.  I started 15mg a few days ago, which is a week earlier than I normally drop a dose.  After being convinced that I could do 15mg…NEEDED to do 15mg… I felt way too jittery and anxious on it and had to adjust it to the closest to 16mg I could get.  I hate that the drug dictates when I can drop a dose, not me.  I have to wait and see how I respond to every drop.  I am grateful yes… I am at 16mg from a mind numbing 40mg… but it is still 16mg.  It is still another possible 18 weeks of weaning.  Or more.  Not likely less.  That’s another 4-5 months. And that’s if I can manage 2.5mg drops every single time.  That’s a huge IF now that I’m hitting lower doses. Obviously I couldn’t this time…

The other thing I find myself feeling out of control of that has bothered me is plans for TTC.  I feel there is no use in even discussing it much in depth while I’m still on Paxil.  There’s no fucking way I would get myself knocked up while taking this junk.  But I feel so helpless in the meantime because I have wacky cycles… there’s nothing that I can do to try to fix them in the meantime, figure out what is going on with me… hoping that when we TTC we don’t waste anymore time than necessary.  Doctors aren’t interested and can’t do much anyways unless you want to take BCP or are trying to get knocked up.    I hate feeling so out of control… like I have no say in any of it.  Ever.  But after I realized this was one of the biggies bothering me, I asked myself what I could do in the meantime.  I suck at tracking my cycles by temping.  Urine OPKs are too expensive for long cycles, especially when you aren’t actively TTC and just want to know if your body works at all.  Then I found one of those saliva testers.  I bought it.  It gives me back some control, which I need.  Not that watching your body not work is anymore comforting but oh well, I have some fake control of some sort.

I’m just having a hard time interacting with pregnant people and new mommies right now (mostly when the conversation is just one thing and one thing only).  I know it shouldn’t bother me, but fuck me, it does.  I find it ironically amusing that no matter what stage of life you’re in, if you’re outside of the norm, you do feel like a blatant outsider.  No, I don’t want to start a family to “fit in” to some place I think I should be.  I’ve wanted to start a family for a while and seeing others get what you want will always spark jealousy.

I think I’m honestly just angry that everything feels like limbo in my life.  I question school… I know my education is worth it but a lot of times I feel like I am spending the money just to network, especially in the field I’m going into.  And then the photography thing… just wondering if my dream is even possible… wanting work but finding it hard when you don’t have your own space to conduct it in…


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