That was refreshing….

Last night a week of hardcore depression feelings came pouring out.  Mind you it was not easy.  I’m great at holding emotions in.  I have been for some time.  I don’t need to tell anyone that is probably how so much of my anxiety started… when I stopped expressing emotions, the bad ones.

I used to cry all the freakin’ time.  In private of course.  Mostly.  I guess it could have also been chaulked up to being a hormonal teenage girl, but damn, it felt so good to cry.  And I always felt better afterwards.  Like 100% better.  Even if I had tears and snot dripping down my face, the release of a good cry is pretty much an orgasm for the emotionally heavy mind.  After you wipe up the tears and snot of course.

Once I moved in with my now husband, I stopped crying so much.  Possibly because a lot of crying previous to that was spurred by being in a long distance relationship… but also… it’s hard to be all emotional around a dude.  They just don’t get it.  And crying makes my husband nervous.  Very nervous.  I don’t blame my husband for my lack of emoting negative feelings, but I did change some ways of how I dealt with emotions once we start cohabiting.

I’m also the type of person that thinks damn hard before I decide rather or not something that is weighing on me is worth discussing with another human being (personal blog rants aside lol).  This is why growing up my friends were absolutely stunned if I ended up bitching about a problem, because they so rarely heard me do it.  Most of the time it was all an internal process and 98% of the time I figure it out w/o pouring it intentionally on another person.  I may bitch a lot online lol, but IRL I am one of the most drama free people you will probably meet.  For reals.

And it is also hard for me to express things that I feel like (and probably to some degree it is insane, but I never denied that aspect of my personality)  I don’t think other people are going to “get”… and I sure in the hell hate expressing anything that will get me a pat on the head and somebody telling me it will all be okay.  I don’t know why but I hate that.  If you’re not offering me a solution, I tend to just get more frustrated that I came to you with the issue to begin with.

Anyways…. I’m going off on a tangent.

Last night I finally just concluded that more than anything I was angry.  When I finally decided that is what it was, I pulled out my old trusty paper journal and started scribbling out my anger.  To my surprise, as much as it had to do what I thought I was angry about, so much of it didn’t either.  I felt like I was in some kind of blind rage while scribbling my thoughts down at manic speed.  When I was done, I was still angry, but also just profoundly sad.  No longer depressed… numb… but truly sad.  I stood in my kitchen bent over the counter and spent a good 10 minutes sobbing.  And then I wiped up the tears, blew my nose and had a drink…. which would have been a disaster if I had not gotten all that out before, but since it was out, I relaxed and eventually went off to sleepy time land.

I woke up to find that a great deal of the depression had lifted.  I didn’t feel like I was going out of my mind with the pent up frustration, not even knowing what to do with myself like I had been feeling the past week.  I was able to go grocery shopping for the week and actually enjoy it…. not the previous thoughts when I had made out the shopping list of “what is even the point… I can’t even stand the monotony of cooking” and was later able to catch up on my statistics without just staring at the book and my notebook in sheer frustration and saying fuck it.  The thoughts of emails looming in my inbox to deal with the final wave of “models” didn’t totally unnerve me.  I just thought, we’ll get this wave over.  Get this done, move on to whatever is next.

I had been feeling so stuck, but somehow, keep moving on to whatever is next.

Last night was a little learning module in expressing myself again.  The bad isn’t necessarily bad.  And letting it out, in healthy manners, is good.  It’s hard to let go and write angry thoughts and cry angry tears.  But oh so worth it when it is over.  It’s at least enough to keep me going, to see some light at the end of the tunnel.


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