A Paxil Christmas

I seriously can’t believe Christmas is over again for another year. Wow, times flies right on by.

My Christmas… was uhh interesting to say the least. Mostly because I finally cracked out on a Paxil drop. Ever cry on Christmas? I did. About 4x.

Ah yes, good ole Paxil threw me a curve ball this time, not bringing on the worst until the 2nd week. Long story short I updosed and am going to see about liquid Paxil in the new year. My patience for cutting anything smaller than 2.5mg is wearing thin and I can’t do 2.5mg drops anymore. Clearly.

So I cried on Christmas morning, alone, staring at the tree. My husband was still sleeping. If you would have asked me why I was crying it was apparently because I was feeling a combination of nostalgic/sad/lonely/missing family. I went to sleep for a while, woke up, we opened presents and then I was hit with a terrible terrible TERRIBLE stomach ache from hell. I spent most of the day either on the couch or on the toilet. Then in the evening I had around 3 more bouts of random tears…. again something about feeling lonely. Christmas night I felt myself crawling out of my skin and that is when I realized… it was the Paxil drop driving me to the ledge. *sigh* What a crappy way to spend Christmas. It was needless. How much more I could have enjoyed it if I had realized sooner that I needed to updose. Lesson learned I suppose.

I suppose my feelings weren’t totally unfounded, just intensified. I found myself just wanting to do something with more of my family on the actual day of Christmas. I just miss those family get togethers when I was younger I guess on the actual holiday. But then I proceeded to feel like an ass for all these feelings because my poor husband doesn’t even have any of his family around here for the holidays and the day before he had just told me that he felt sad b/c he missed his mom…. whereas me, I can pretty much see my mom any time I want.

Again I feel myself longing for us to start a family *sigh* and I fucking hate whenever that feeling emerges b/c it is all so still up in the air. No real timeline… and knowing that my Paxil taper might be twice as long as I hoped it would be can be infuriating at times. It’s interesting to see that they are finally adding warnings to Paxil saying that it can be harmful to unborn babies. For so long it was denied. So basically knowing that I couldn’t live with myself if I gave my child birth defects thanks to a drug I took is usually enough to keep the baby fever at bay but every once in a while it gnaws at my soul.

Next year for Christmas I just want to feel more secure in our own traditions. My husband and I. It’s really fucking strange that I never felt this way when we lived in Wisconsin and I was 600 miles away from my family for the holidays. That I really don’t get. I don’t know why I am suddenly missing things that are years and years old. Maybe I should just chalk it up to I was not myself at all this Christmas.


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