And this is why

I am currently sitting here waiting to see if my new herbal supplement makes me feel any certain way.  Introducing something new always puts me on edge, b/c I respond very very strangely to things since I started tapering the Paxil.  This looked promising though… and I am intrigued that it contains ashwagandha, although I don’t know if it has enough to make any significant impact.  It otherwise sounds awesome tho.

Speaking of Paxil… since my crash trying to get to 10mg and going back up to 12.5mg I have decided to stick to 10% drops from here on out.  I ordered a scale that I probably don’t really need since I can split the pills pretty small but it will be good for filing off bits for 9mg… 8mg… etc.  This dramatically changes the schedule of me tapering though.  2.5mg drops meant I could have possibly been off the stuff by summer, but 2.5mg drops no longer work.  So what this actually means is that I will probably be tapering until fall and/or the end of this year… 2010.

This…. makes me sad but the prospect of being crazy makes me a lot more sad.  Paxil withdrawal is FUCKING CRAZY.  Granted, I have only felt horrible withdrawal from it when I’ve dropped a dose too fast and have always been smart enough to go back up if I need to, but all I gotta say is God bless the folks who drop this shit cold turkey.

It fucks with me, b/c my recovery thus far from anxiety/depression issues is NOT thanks to Paxil.  I still experienced crippling anxiety while I was on Paxil.  I still had massive depression at times.  At my highest dose I was just so numbed out though, in such a fog that it made it okay to just be in this funk.  I just… was.  In a bad way.  The day I got bumped up to 40mg I cried in my doctor’s office.  That same day I also decided that there was absolutely nothing these medical doctors could do to “help” me, it had to come from within.  But I kept taking the “medicine”  (I prefer think of it for what it actually is, mind fuckery in a pill)  because I felt at that point, nothing could hurt.

It was that mental shift though, that really helped me start to recover.  It has been a mental shift that I have had to rediscover over and over again, but as long as I never forget it I will get thru.  And as I have talked about before… the largest aspect of my anxiety was actually caused by the chronic overbreathing, something I STILL struggle with today but continue to work on and know one day I will be free completely of it and once I am, I will just keep up the maintenance work.

I did insane amounts of research on the breathing pattern disorder.  So much so that I eventually being to dive into its connections to not only panic/anxiety but also things like fibromyalga(sp?) and chronic fatigue syndrome and so much started clicking and falling into place.  I had also thought it was something that just appeared one day, but I started realizing, okay I had been running around for like 3.5 years on nothing but adrenaline… things just started clicking.

It is kind of sad that I was the one who had to do all the research, all the putting the pieces together while a doctor just wanted throw a pill at me.  Doctors are good at saying shit like “it’s your nerves”  (especially to women)  but they never sit down and explain how your “nerves” are wrecking all this havoc on your body and this cycle that it creates.

Hmmph.

But you know…. all that is the past.  I’m working towards the future now.  What’s done is done.  I look forward to once again knowing a life w/o cutting up pills, counting down weeks, being med free.

It just especially sucks… because I had hoped we could seriously start TTC sometime this year, even if it was in the fall.  It can’t happen until I’m off Paxil.  Granted we have some other “problems” to fix along the way for the TTC thing to happen (besides the fact that my ovaries hate me)  but the Paxil is a biggie.  Yes people have taken this stuff all through pregnancy with no issues that they know of.  However, a lot of people have also taken it and had issues.  That horrifies me.  Especially now that all this proof is coming out that it causes problems, warnings are finally starting to appear.  It also freaks me out thinking of having a child born and they can actually go thru withdrawals from Paxil.  I know what it does to adults… I can’t imagine a baby with a developing brain going through that.

**Note:  I am not judging people who took antidepressants during their pregnancy.  This is just my personal viewpoint for me when considering Paxil and pregnancy.  There are safer antidepressants and it is also extremely important to consider the risks vs benefits when continuing antidepressant therapy during pregnancy.  Like had I gotten pregnant on 40mg of Paxil (not like it was a possibility but let’s pretend) just quitting it or doing a fast taper would have not been an option but rather most likely extremely dangerous.  I know plenty of people who have continued on antidepressant therapy during pregnancy and they have healthy children.

So………… TTC is pushed back a bit further but it is all for a good cause I suppose.  I’ll be a happier, healthier mommy in the long run.

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