Game.

Maybe it is b/c I recently finished up playing Heavy Rain and some of its alternative endings, but recent circumstances leave life feeling very much like a game.  What choice? What will the outcome be?  Will this decision change everything? Something? Nothing at all?

I sat in my closet at 5:30 this morning, door closed as not to awaken my husband with the light searching through some old journals in my trunk because I was looking for a fucking answer of something I asked myself years ago.  I never expected at this point in my life I would have to confront it.  And yet here I was and for once, no fucking answer.  The answer that I had in the distant past was certainly not the same answer I ascribe to today.  Nowhere even close.

Now I’m not even sure about the answer in the more recent past, that I thought that I had.  I think I wanted something obviously different than what I got.  I was in no way expecting what I got.  Not even close.  It was one of those never in a million years type of things…

I have 2 choices.  What is to gain by not doing action a?  What is to lose by doing action a?  What if there is nothing to gain?  What if there is nothing to lose?  It’s no longer emotional.  But intellectually… it is just as confusing as if it were.

I feel like I have the upper hand right now.  For the first time ever concerning anything in relation to this.  But that feeling is purely emotional and overpowering anything intellectual.  It’s almost childish in a way.

But this is just one of those things, that I can’t even fucking predict where it will go… or if there is any place for it go.  If hurt awaits, or if healing awaits.

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