I’m not wanting. I’m not waiting. I just am.

This post initially comes off strange considering my last one… lol

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mommy.  When I was little playing mommy to my dolls was the best game ever.  When I was a pre-teen and teenager I couldn’t wait to be older so I could have kids.  When I first moved in with my now husband I kind of hoped for a happy accident.  The ages of about 21-24 I had baby fever so badly at times it hurt.

I’m not convinced my biological clock works backwards.

The past year and half-2 years my thoughts about children have drastically changed.  Partly because I’ve been so caught up in my life as an individual, establishing an identity for myself for once after being lost for many years under various labels or attempting to find a label for myself and partly as I’ve told a friend “the older I get the more I feel like I’m too young to have children.”  My, how have things changed.

The older I get the more I feel too young to have a kid right now plays the biggest role.  I realize there is time.  No rush.  I am young still.  No I’m not a really young young adult anymore, I am at that point where a lot of people decide to have children and create more of a family life for themselves but I strongly feel I want some more years to enjoy this life a bit selfishly.  And it is impossible to be selfish like this once you have children.  I’ve seen a lot of those who have chosen not to procreate say that having children is a selfish act in and of itself.  I can’t figure this one out, have they never even babysat? lol

I’ve really grown to respect parenthood even more since my nephew was born.  Seeing my sister transform into mommy has been an amazing thing to watch.  I’ve had many close friends turn into mommy way before my nephew was born, but they don’t do the mommy act in a way that I wish to emulate.  My sister does.  I sourta look up to her I guess in terms of the way I hope to be a mom one day.  She is so interactive with him, absolutely enjoys her role as mother and does it without losing her identity completely within her child, if that makes sense.  She’s shown me that you absolutely can be all about your child but still maintain a strong sense of self… something that, since I have been thinking about putting off motherhood a little longer than I anticipated, I wondered about.

I’ve wondered about it I suppose, because I strongly feel I do not have the desire to be a stay at home mom.  I don’t know how many women feel that way.  It seems like it is always the opposite.  Hell, people are insanely awesomely lucky these days to get to be stay at home moms.  Most families have to have 2 working parents to stay afloat.  And then there’s mommy guilt on top of it that I hear so much about.  Maybe it will be totally different once I have my own, maybe the desire to constantly be with my child will kick in but I just don’t feel like I could do the stay at home thing right now.

I’m working so hard to get thru school right now and finish up.  I don’t intend to let any of that hard work or all the money for it go to waste.  My education is hugely important to me, not just finishing it, but also putting it to use.  I want to work.  I want to have a career.  I want career accomplishments.

I also go stir crazy sitting at home.  I realize having a child at home doesn’t mean you “sit” at home.  You do 8 billion things a day for said child, it is yet another full time 24/7 job.  It is just, I feel so strongly about having something outside of that as well.  Like I said, career, career accomplishments, earning money… not just hobbies.  And my life of struggling with ways to best keep myself sane has also taught me that being a SAHM is not in the best interest of my mind.  In order to be healthy I need to have all sorts of things that stimulate me outside the walls of specific roles be it being a wife, a mother, etc.  See told yah, selfish.

In all reality I am hoping for my own business that stays afloat nicely at some point.  Being able to set my own hours… all that jazz.  I would honestly prefer it if my child didn’t have to go to a babysitter if at all possible… but don’t most of us…

Obviously I still keep talking about this future “my child”… I do know that I will definitely try for a child in the future.  There will at least be one, God willing.  I used to think at least two, but now I’m not even quite sure of that… but I do tend to lean heavily towards yes two because I really want my child(ren) to have the experience of having a sibling.  Because despite all my shitty family experiences, my siblings have been invaluable to me.  They are always there.  They are always my friends.  Without them I would be so lost.  I want any child of mine to have that too… or at least hopefully have that relationship with a brother/sister.

Babysitting my (poor little quite sick with a virus)  nephew the other day really seemed to solidify a lot of my current thoughts I have been having about having kids.  While he was feeling better and playing up a storm, yes I ooohh and awww over him and have so much fun with him and am in complete wonder of him.  When his fever popped up again and I got the dose of other side of being a mother, the hard part… I realized how happy I was just to be the aunt for now.  I love him unconditionally but it is hard!  And I am not ready.  Even when he was the happiest baby… I still found myself thinking from time to time the thought of doing this all day in and day out, raising a child right now and just realized that I am not ready.  Not ready for the routine that raising a child takes.  When it’s time I want to make sure that I’m ready and can give a child that stable routine… it has been very freeing to very much accept the fact right now that I am not ready, it is not time, that someday it will be but not right now, not next year, and possibly not the year after.

For once I actually feel like an adult making this decision and feeling wise about it, thinking about the many facets that all this takes on, instead of just thinking about it with my heart, emotions, and hormones.  In many ways it has almost felt like a blessing in disguise that we haven’t had any children at this point (there is a bad aspect to that, I’ll get to in a sec).  But in a way, yes a blessing because my mind matured to this point of actually just wanting to make sure I have myself and my life together before children instead of just saying oh well whatever happens we’ll take it and somehow make it.

The reason it is not a blessing in disguise… well let’s just say if I were most of my friends I would probably have 3-5 kids right now lol  It’s not hard to know that something is wrong when you don’t have a period for months on end.  It bothers me intensely not because I have any interest in getting pregnant, but because I don’t want anything to be wrong and yet I know it is.  It’s just that oh hai, great… when the time does finally feel right who the hell knows when/if it will even happen!

I think maybe too this was one reason why I went through some more intense baby fever stages.  I felt like I was racing against my body.  Hell maybe in all reality I am or am supposed to be and I don’t know it… but my brain isn’t ready for any of it anyways.  But right now I’m kind at the place of thinking well it doesn’t matter if I’m having these problems right now or if I’m having them at 28, 29 or 30… it’s still the same deal and will be what it will be.  I’m more accepting that if I can’t conceive naturally in the future there’s options and if I can’t conceive at all in the future, there are still options.  There was a Post Secret this week that said something along the lines of “The doctor told me that I’ll never be able to have kids, I corrected her and told her I’ll never be able to give birth.”  I thought that was so beautiful.

And that’s been another gift my nephew has given me, I realize now you don’t have to give birth to a child to want to protect it, love it unconditionally, and raise it with a loving family and be a positive influence on its life.

Another gift he has given me?  Motivation to break the family cycle.  Breaking the family cycle of whatever the hell I was given for a family.  Me going to watch him while he was sick was a big thing for me to do, an important thing for me to do.  My sister called me when she needed somebody to turn to for him, to help her out.  I could have just as easily said no.  I had to drive almost 2 hours to get there, sleep at their house (and I almost can never sleep at somebody else’s house so I knew watching a baby the next day all day would be killer in the sleep deprivation department), I could have let my health anxiety make me say no and be just like my grandmother (no idea where my grandma’s deal with it came from, mine came from having mono for 4.5 months, every since then I freak a little when I get sick or knowing I have been exposed to illness… I’m working on it) or be like everybody else in my family and just bail when people need them most.    But for so long I have been saying, no this all stops now.  All the weirdness, all the alienation, all the coldness… it all stops now and it stops with me and my siblings.

I feel like I’m building a life for my unborn children that hopefully when they are here they will never even know how hard I worked to build it for them.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Natalie
    May 16, 2010 @ 08:56:52

    Funny…. when growing up I was pretty convinced I never would have kids. I just couldn’t see it happening. Then I got married and the switch turned on.


  2. Raychela
    May 16, 2010 @ 09:47:19

    I was ass backwards, always saw myself with kids when I was younger… and the husband thing scared me lol


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