Meanwhile, when logic strikes…

If it looks like I was having a wee meltdown in the early morning hours, I was.

It’s really funny in that not so funny way, how something can happen, and it brings back these bizarre feelings years deep and everything feels like a giant snowball, rolling, getting bigger and bigger.

What I really need is a vacation.  Not a vacation, but a real one.  Like going away somewhere for a week and having no responsibilities, just having fun.  I haven’t had one of those since we got married and that was 3 years ago.  And if I must be honest, that didn’t even feel like a real vacation because duh, we were getting married and at least a couple of those days were spent stressing the fuck out because getting putting on a wedding, much less a destination wedding is fucking stressful.

Since then my “vacations” have consisted of getting a couple weeks off school to sit in my house and clean and/or do what I would normally do at home.  Fun shit /sarcasm.

I however cannot envision a vacation happening literally anywhere in the near future.  And I rounded the near future off to about 3 years.  Seriously.

I sat with myself and had a little heart to heart.  Last night I wished that the walls would fall down sometimes… that I could destroy it all and start fresh.  I realize in life you can’t do that.  Doesn’t mean I don’t fantasize about it.  Life means everything follows you.  Everything.  Forever.  Sometimes that is literally depressing.

But then I also realized that the reason the walls just don’t fall down so easily is because they’ve been built too strong.  It’s going to take a lot more than me kicking them in my little fits to knock them down.  I’ve nailed them with a sledge hammer a couple of times.  I haven’t found the bulldozer yet that will do the job, and apparently I should actually be grateful for that, cuz I know… even if I could get them down… the rubble would take forever to clean up.  The holes I’ve made have been bad enough.

I think the truth is, the little battles that have been raging inside of me lately, are part of something much larger.  I know what it is and I’m trying to listen to it, although it is so confusing.  It’s about purpose and meaning and not purpose and meaning in the sense of labeling of myself here on this earth.  It’s not about anything I take on here.  Why did you think I ranted about money, paper, forms, standards, doing right by everyone else’s standards, etc.  Sadly my husband doesn’t want to renounce the world with me and become a hermit.  I don’t really want to become a hermit either, but I could renounce a few things for sure.  The materialistic nature and self entitlement of people I feel these days discourages me.  The latter really gets me.

I feel like at times, I’ve let it get to me too.  Internally I have felt it… that whole fuck it if everyone else is gonna be this way then I miswell step on some toes as well.  But I’m never really that person.  And now… it just brings me back to part of what I’m missing.  A sense of oneness and the ability to express gratitude.  I have no center anymore.  That’s a problem.  I often do feel grateful for what I have, but at the same time, I overlook small things and I don’t express my gratitude enough… not to the people who deserve it, not to myself in the small things, and not to the universe.  That’s a problem.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Natalie
    May 20, 2010 @ 22:24:52

    I think you need to change that timeline. Last year we couldn’t do a big vacation, so we just drove somewhere, stayed in a B&B. Much cheaper. But oh was it glorious. Even if you don’t go far, just stay in a hotel for a couple of days….. I think you seriously seriously need it.

    Reply

  2. Raychela
    May 21, 2010 @ 01:23:48

    I seriously do. I’ve just reached this point of burn out that is unparalleled. A person needs something to look forward to on occasion and the opportunity to really relax and let go. But then again the thought of even planning something simple stresses me out right now! LOL

    I’m gonna hafta sit down with Ki and see if we can come up with something, even if it is only like 3-4 days. Hell I would take a weekend at this point!

    Reply

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