Alive.

Oh hi blog.

As I’m famous for doing, when things are going relatively good I can’t seem to muster the energy to write up anything.  When it is time to bitch, I am a powerful writing force.  Don’t feel bad blog, I do the same thing to my real life paper journal.  There are gaps of time missing where things were going well but when I show up, I like to make it sound like I am once again miserable.  Thus many of my real life paper journals sound like I was quite possibly the most miserable person to ever live.  I suppose it is easier to take the happiness for what it is, but to sit around and bitch at and dissect every little bit of unhappiness you ever encounter.  I mean really… the internet is 95% for this very purpose.

It has been well over a month since my last update and since then I have finished Drawing I and not counting this week, only have 1 more week left of Drawing II.   I’m busy and I’m enjoying what I am doing so that makes for a relatively sane me.

The 21st marked another birthday for me, and while I could sit around and lament all the things I have not yet accomplished that I hoped that I would at this stage… or fret about the things I hope to accomplish before “x amount of time” is up…. I’m kinda okay just letting things be the way they are.  As long as I keep moving forward, that is all I care about.  It’s when I’m stagnant that I get cranky.

Drawing II has not been filled with the rage and frustration that I felt in Drawing I.  As much as I respected my Drawing I professor, his constant need for complete perfection took away some of my creative energy.  I never felt much like I was being creative in that class.  I felt instead that I must strive for perfection.  Since in Drawing II I have a professor who very much embraces the individual creativity of each student and cares less about the technical details… I feel much more free to experiment and be creative.  A renewed sense of faith in my ability to create with drawing utensils has been found.  It is much easier to do something well, when you aren’t sitting in a chair quivering with thoughts of needing complete perfection with every stroke of a pencil.

Doing things/making moves with photography has been difficult this summer with my busy schedule.  I still have not managed to finish and launch my site even though I finally received the help that I needed on figuring it out (utilize categories more, seems obvious now but I needed somebody to slap me in the face with it)… it just feels a wee bit overwhelming at times to sit down and try to finish it, look at it, say it is finished… arggle… I dunno.  I need to do it.  At least then I would have that to give people.  I promised myself “later this summer”… so by the end of the summer? What does that make my deadline?  End of August?  Labor Day?  LOL

My biggest internal battle to date is coming from the fact that for the first time in my life I am enjoying being a student.  I am okay with my “career” being student right now.  It finally feels right.  After years of struggling and almost tragically throwing away opportunity after opportunity regarding furthering my education, I have seemed to find a niche where I fit in, feel comfortable, and actually feel like I’m working towards something greater and not just aimlessly wandering.  Which is why I constantly have this little shred of fear in me that something will happen to ruin it, but that’s another issue lol… but at the same time… I realize I’m not the 20 year old college student.  Life feels a little more grown up.  10 years from now takes me way further into my life than it would a 20 year old.  So there’s this nagging need to continue to build as much of my photography as I can outside of my education.  Almost desperate at times.  But when I feel desperate, I also freeze.

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