I just ate so much cheese I made myself sick, but in other news…

Long time no write.  November, how did this happen?

As usual I have been staying very busy with school.  More busy now than any other eons of time I have  been there.

My famous “it is fall/winter and I can’t get well” deal started in mid September.  Last week my husband gave me this lovely cough thing that he brought home.  He was over it in 2 days.  Me?  Oh I just developed the world’s most massive sinus infection from it, have been hacking my lungs out over a week and had to pay out the ass for antibiotics (redimed + only walgreen’s pharmacy being open at 10pm=$$).  Antibiotics that didn’t work.  So I got a second antibiotic.  Which proceeded to react badly inside of me.  I gave up and tossed them.  Figured if the sinus infection wants to come back and get me, it can go for it.

A couple weekends ago I photographed a wedding, the first since last year when I was still giddy and excited about shooting weddings.  As it had approached I told Ki that I wasn’t feeling too excited about doing it, that I thought maybe I was growing past wanting to photograph weddings.  Yup, I was pretty much right.  I of course photographed the wedding and did it with as much enthusiasm as I could muster but when it was all over I was like yup, I really don’t have the passion for this.

I came to realize that my initial “OMG YAY THIS IS FUN” feeling for it was just that… the initial excitement.  It was new and exciting.  With that worn off I just don’t hold the passion for weddings for it to be my main focus.  I’ll never say never to doing more weddings, it could very well happen and hell who knows, maybe happen more often than I think but building a career around doing weddings?  No.

The most appealing things about weddings, right now, is simply the money aspect. Money in terms of I guess it is just more stable feeling income wise if you get weddings.  And for me, right now I know that is wrong.  I don’t want to focus on anything just for the potential earning aspects alone.

I think weddings could be different if I eventually shot weddings where the couple was really into their photography.  But those are the people who want to pay a lot more for their photography.  To more experienced photographers.  With awesome wedding portfolios.  That is not me right now and I don’t have the passion for the genre right now to work up all the experience to have that wedding portfolio.  Things may change down the road.  Right now I would rather find out what genre of photography I am particularly passionate about.

I dunno.  I look at wedding pictures and there’s a part of me that would like to do it from time to time, but I guess more on my terms… to attract people to me who are interested in wedding photography in the way that I am interested in it.  Would it be weird to only want to be an outdoor wedding photographer?  Well in my world that is what I would prefer.  I love taking pictures outside.  I love outdoor weddings.  Also, in my heart I want to refuse doing any “formal” wedding photography… formal poses.  I hate them.  I think they look stupid and fake.  I know some people want nice pictures of them and their loved ones posed in front of whatever… but I never think it captures any emotion whatsoever.  Now get that same group of people interacting with each other in some way… the photo is priceless.  Not something that can be recreated by any Tom, Dick, or Jose with a camera.  Nobody has ever come to me and been like omg the posed photos are just so amazing.  It’s always the ones where people are interacting, that are candid.  I mean if you want a bunch of posed stuff, that’s fine.. I’m just not the photographer for you and I would like to know that.

All my recent discoveries about myself got me thinking…

I realize now why I put off finishing my website for so long…. it was because I didn’t have direction where I was going.  I still don’t but now that I realize that, just that realization seems a lot more safe.  It makes me feel like I can go back to my website now and do something with it… and maybe not have a clear direction 100% with it right now but that is okay.  Because before I was trying to force it into something that I wasn’t and I wasn’t feeling it.

Everything I’ve read has said… oh you need to know who your market is before you market to them.  True enough.  But I’m finally starting to accept that I don’t know who my market is right now, and that is perfectly alright.  I don’t have to know right now.  Instead of trying to force myself into some mold or put labels on it to make things easier right now… I’m thinking fuck this… I need to be me and if it’s not having a particular niche “thing I do” right now it just isn’t.

I also have begun to realize that I can’t just do things just to do them, just to shoot.  I’ll never build the portfolio I want to build if I’m picking up things I don’t enjoy just for the fact that I can.  It leaves me feeling unsatisfied and resentful.  But I also realize that I can’t and don’t expect every shoot to be the correct experience by my own standards because look at how much I have learned about myself by doing the wrong things.  Same people get it right every damn time and never have to go through that, but I have a feeling those people are exceptions rather than the norm.

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