Om.

After a 3 year long hiatus, I decided to go back to doing meditation.  In just the past few days, it has become the best decisions I have made for myself in quite literally years.

I first took meditation seriously 3 years ago for a class project.  I was blown away by the difference it made in how I felt and how I viewed the world.  In hindsight it almost seems like no accident that I       discovered it then, right around the time I would need it most.

But sadly I abandoned it when things got rough in my life and shortly thereafter I took a trip to crazy town where my anxiety went to nervous breakdown levels.  I abandoned the very thing that could have honestly, I believe anyways looking back, prevented it all.

But the truth is, although there are times I wish I would have never experienced what I did, in a way I am grateful because I have some insane levels of gratitude towards simple things that I didn’t before.  I can’t change it anyways.  And now that I have been the hell and back, revisiting meditation, I have even more gratitude for this amazing experience that I can have, anytime I want.  I was amazed 3 years ago, but now?  I’m just blown away.

It has still been so hard for me at times to control my feelings, my tension, my anxieties.  Half the time I have nothing to be so worried about, but it has just become this learned behavior, becoming so sensitized to the world, over involved in my own head.  I have tried so many things in attempt to eradicate it for good  and simply failed because they never felt right for me.  Going back to meditation was calling me, but I ignored it.  Why?  Would you believe it made me freakin’ anxious to relax?  Yeaaah I’ve been that way for a while.  It is a great way to age yourself 10 years in about oh… one.  After a while, tension just became my homeostasis, relaxation actually felt abnormal.

The past few weeks, I began once again to feel like a tumbleweed of anxiety, being thrown in one direction to the next, out of control of my destination.  I just eventually snapped at myself, said enough is enough… I deserve immensely better than what I am giving myself.  I craved quietness and to once again find inner strength, peace, and tranquility.  Meditation called me back.

I jumped fully in, giving myself 1 hour a day.  Oh so difficult at first.  My mind didn’t want to settle.  My body didn’t want to relax.  I’ve been using a lot of guided meditations, my mind can’t yet deal with complete quietness… the thoughts are still overwhelming and…. sticky.

Last night I was able to move a step further.  After a few guided meditations, I went to music.  As long as there is something to lose myself in, to come back to when my mind starts to wander, I feel more in control.  At some point, about 20 minutes into my session, the thought popped into my head about how good I felt, how relaxed, how calm, how peaceful and OMG I WAS DOING THIS ALL BY MYSELF!!  THIS WAS ME!  A huge smile sprung to my lips and I sat there with that smile plastered there for a good while longer while continuing.  I couldn’t have controlled it if I wanted to. 

Because I was doing so well, I went a step further and put on some music that contained biaural sounds.  I did it without headphones which are recommended when the sound coming from Kiowa’s computer seemed to be super intense.  I have to admit I was quite skeptical about the whole biaural thing, but has soon as I started the music (and I think it helped that I was in a crazy relaxed state already) those sounds were hitting my brain in quite an interesting way.  It was absolutely fascinating and I was completely immersed but then I hit a point where I was going too deep and felt a jolt of awareness of myself hit me.  I expected it to happen, pushing myself past the point of comfort.  It is a good kind of discomfort though, ones that reminds you that you will get to go deeper next time.

I attempted to listen to another biaural meditation track labeled “very intense” and quickly found they weren’t joking.  I couldn’t even deal with the sound directly after the previous experience.  It seemed crazy at first, because you think, it’s just sound!

I have noticed, especially yesterday, a little the day before… that since I have started meditation again I am already reaping it’s benefits.  I am starting to see a much calmer me happen.  And tonight, after going to a much deeper place I am left with so much calmness and clarity… I feeling I remember loving so much 3 years ago and a feeling that since then, I wondered if I could ever capture again.  Turns out I can. =)

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