Butthurt.

**For some reason despite my attempts to fix it I cannot do anything to fix the mass of words in this post.  It does not believe i paragraphs for some reason today.

 

It’s actually a bit deeper than that.. but butthurt seems fitting when I am both happy and sad.

I went back through some of my post history to find 2 old entries for this particular entry.  It then occurred to me the complete random nonsensical mass this consists of and how particularly fitting that a blog belonging to me be such.

After 4 years of living in the same place.. the same apartment… we will be saying goodbye.
There is a mass of emotions I did not expect in this.
On one hand, I am thrilled. Pretty much since I started living in apartments I have been talking about getting out of them. I found a post nearly 3 years old that talked about living “in the box” that I could no longer stand. However 1 year and 3 months later I had a change of heart of such and begin contemplating creating a home out of my box instead of just a place where I resided until something better came along.
But… I am me… so let me talk about the negative first before I go into reasons I am thrilled. Besides, perhaps it is better to end on a happy note.
In Sept ’09 when I decided maybe it was time to try to create a home for myself I began to become very attached to MY apartment. In fact I am quite sure that there is another post somewhere chronicling this. Ahhh yes… the next summer.. last year I had fully committed to viewing my apartment space as home. Looking back… that post makes me sad because it was the beginning of the end.

I putzed around the patio and in the background were birds chirping and the neighbor kids playing. It just felt so calming, so peaceful. And then it dawned on me that I have had this feeling before. Fleeting times when I was out here last summer, but deeper than that. I knew this. I knew what it was now. Home. This is home. This is my home. And this is the first time in 10 years or so that I have truly identified a place as being my home.

It hurts to read. It embodies what is saddening me right now.

No I won’t be here forever, but for as long as I am it is my sanctuary.

When it quit being my sanctuary, me being here also stopped being an option.

At the end of the summer of last year… my environment started to change. It seemed our leasing office no longer cared who they let live here. Oh the apartment next door has always been cursed but suddenly the entire place started becoming cursed.
The adults have not been as bad this round as the kids but we have some clear winners and oddly enough they live right by me. But…OMG the kids. They are deranged evil little fuckers and I hate them. AND THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM. I am not a kid hater. I just hate these kids. Because they are horrible human beings. The boys… the boys are horrible. The girls… they mind their own business, they play normally, they are polite for the most part.
The boys… they destroy things, they are vile, they seek to be annoying on purpose I am convinced and they are constantly there… just lurking outside… it is a completely uncomfortable feeling to be anywhere near them. They embarked on my personal territory and enough was enough. When I could no longer walk out my front door w/o walking through a crowd of kids, enough was enough. When I could no longer sit outside on my patio w/o having a swarm of, no joke, 12-15 kids DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF MY PATIO, enough was enough. When I could no longer enjoy my screen door I paid $40 for and installed myself enough was enough. When I could no longer open my windows, enough was enough. When calling the apartment office citing various points already mentioned and pulling out our lease stating that none of these brats were supposed to be using the side yards as a play area and getting no response, enough was enough. When the 17 year old kid next door started getting in physical “domestic” disputes outside of my door with his 16 year old girlfriend, enough was enough. WHEN I STARTED LEAVING MY HOUSE IN THE EVENINGS BECAUSE BEING INSIDE WITH THE DOORS AND WINDOWS COMPLETELY SHUT WAS NOT ENOUGH TO ESCAPE THE CONSTANTLY YELLING, SCREAMING BULLSHIT ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH. Those were just the kids. Shall I discuss some of the adults who want to kill domestic animals among other “you might be a psychopath” criteria around here?
I could not do it anymore. I was a prisoner inside of my own home to escape the madness and even confining myself indoors did not shut it all out. For fuck’s sake, I dreaded taking the dog out to potty during the early evening hours especially because I would be met with death glares from the big bad boys who are apparently so bad ass they are fucking scared of a 10lb dog.
Somewhere along the way, my husband started to agree with me.
So we began looking for something that wasn’t an apartment. Duplexes and houses. A duplex didn’t thrill me (still being attached to somebody else and all) but we did look at one that seemed extremely promising and was huge. The owner of it turned out to be a fucking liar about shit though and those hopes were soon dashed.
We investigated another duplex that was a cigarette smoke filled box of nastiness. Our bed wouldn’t even have fit in the “living room”.
Honestly I was at a point of giving up finding a place that matched what we needed. We needed a house or duplex that 1) We could afford. Being able to afford where you live is a big deal. Yeah I know, who knew. 2) Accepted cats and dogs. It was amazing how many would accept dogs but not cats and vice versa.
I told Ki at one point I was done… I felt a bit defeated. However, the next day when I felt the familiar prisoner-omg-my-neighbors-are-psycho feelings, I kept looking and eventually ran across an ad for a house out in the country in our price range. Ki called and on Monday we were set to look at it.
Prior to Monday I attempted to drive out by it. Oh hai Google maps, it turns out there is a big ass difference between north and south. I left civilization and was driving out in Amish land. (Yes seriously Amish land, you leave the area where I live which is almost out of the city but not far enough, it turns into awesome nothingness… but fields and farms and Amish people and even some gravel roads). I happily enjoyed the drive for sometime feeling completely exhilarated by being surrounded by nothing until I realized I was fucking lost. The house was nowhere to be found and I eventually found a road that was familiar that led me back to civilization. When I got home I realized Google maps had actually managed to fuck up. Impressive.
So Monday was my first time seeing the place. Honestly I was not expecting to feel anything about it but disgust. I figured it would be a poorly kept house out in the country that smelled of something I didn’t want it smelling of.
When we walked in though there were people working on the house… the insides smelled rather new and everything looked very fresh and clean. Brand new windows had just been installed and the whole place was light and airy feeling.
We were given the grand tour and the man and his wife explained the improvements they had been making and a bit about the place. I was immediately at peace with them, they were like speaking to an older aunt and uncle or something you had known all your life. There was an immediate connection as far as feeling comfortable went.
Out in the country it was. There was one house next door and a few more houses down the road, but for the most part, nothing. Cornfields. No cars going by during our visit. A yard. A huge porch. A deck. I felt a tiny bit sad b/c a large part of me had secretly hoped we would find a place that was closer to my family… this put us out a bit further than we lived now. But… I needed some freedom… beggars can only choose so much.
I could see myself in this place and that scared me because of the potential for disappointment. I felt like if we were rejected I really would give up. This place was looking perfect for the most part for our needs and we even clicked with the landlords… a no would just be way too much.
We continued talking and Ki filled out some paper work. After we handed it to the wife she looked over it while talking to us. She then turned to her husband and asked “well do you wanna go ahead and seal the deal”…
I nearly fucking squee’d. Actually, I think I did, along with a small hand clap.
I couldn’t believe it was real. I still wouldn’t believe it if we had not dropped off the deposit Tuesday, signed a lease, and told her apt office we were getting the fuck out.
There is a downside.. we will be moving into a smaller place. I don’t know if it is actually smaller square footage wise… but the way the space is divided up, it will present some challenges.
It was advertised as 2 bedroom. It is not. It has 1 very small bedroom and a “loft”. Much to my husband’s disappointment it is not a real livable loft. It’s more along the lines of if you were a kid you think it would be the most awesome bedroom ever type deal. I don’t exactly know what we are going to do with it right now.
The bedroom is very disappointing. It will be a challenge.. because our bedroom at the apts is well…. A nice size. I have a lot of shit in that room. And then the second bedroom.. all of Ki’s crap… and there is no true second bedroom now.
The bathroom… also very wee.
However… the kitchen & dining area is quite large and open. Very spacious. Probably 2x of what I am working with now. And then the living room… again… extremely spacious. Probably 2.5 of what I am working with in the apartment. And then the utility room is quite large as well. There is a huge porch and a nice sized patio. And then of course a very nice large yard and a storage shed. The living room throws me off a bit though because instead of carpet there is linoleum.. and it isn’t even neutral. I’m not sure of the logic behind it… sort of irritating but… I guess I will try to invest in some rugs.
We will have to buy a push mower (can’t afford a rider dammit)… and obviously mow the yard which we’ve never had to do before haha. It will be interesting to see who ends up doing that the most. We will also have to buy our own washer and dryer. Until we do we will have to resort back to the Laundromat and we might have to do that for a bit before we can buy a washer/dryer.
I am allowed to plant all the flowers and plants I want. Our new landlords also told me that if I wanted a garden, he would till me up one. Although it is too late for that this year, if all goes well and we are content there, perhaps next.
There are obviously so many pluses and things to be excited about, that my sadness seems unfounded and silly. But it still lurks, especially now that I have begun packing because well… I guess maybe it is natural to some extent to be sad about leaving a place you actually did begin viewing as HOME.
I think how I was going to turn my bedroom completely into the place of sanctuary and realize, I’m never gonna get to do that here. Or I think how hard I worked to get everything just so and how I was happy with it.. and no I’m gonna hafta do that again. It’s just emotionally hard to leave what I worked hard to create.
Talking about the new place makes me feel better. And thinking about all the things I’ll get to do and experience makes me feel better. Tonight I was at the store and realize… wow I can have a grill and a fire pot and I can decorate the trees with lights at Christmas, and I’ll have a hose to water my flowers with, and I can plant flowers outside, and next summer I can fill my porch with hanging baskets… and well… just all kinds of things to look forward to. I will be able to sit out on my porch and nobody will walk directly in front of my line of vision 2 feet away.
We will have neighbors who live next door, but they are child free currently and only have a small dog as well. Our landlord is also their landlord. But that is only 2 people on one side of us.
So I guess when I really think about it… I am very excited to move. It will just be very different. I’ll be able to look up at the sky at night and see the stars. I have missed that so much.

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