117

I haven’t had a cigarette in 117 days.  As proud as I am of myself, I am annoyed that the past 2 weeks or so has been the hardest mentally.  Don’t get me wrong, 97% of the time I don’t even think about it anymore, but for some reason when that 3% happens it feels like it is greater than the 97%.  There is no insane part of me left that would go back to it.  Especially when my grandpa is now dying a painful death over it and he beat his addiction with it 20+ years ago.  I’m hoping I’ll live long enough that I’ll be able to be like “I beat it 40 years ago!” and you know… not pay for my addiction to it in the end.

I do know that is why I was able to quit this time and just know that I will stay quit… because I finally understand what a serious drug addiction smoking/nicotine is.  I think to some extent it is still downplayed in society because it is this thing that you can buy legally.  You can buy it legally and yet it kills more people every year than all the illegal drugs combined.  So many people still act like smoking is some nasty habit… something you choose to do.  But it is actually a full blown drug addiction.  I mean what else would make a person light leaves and chemicals on fire and inhale it often times at least 20x a day, be social outcasts, and stink of stale cigarette smoke if not addiction?!

I was able to “get” my addiction when I realized I could no longer ever have just a cigarette anymore than an ex-heroin addict could shoot up “just once” after being clean and sober.

There’s nothing left to miss about it.  And yet sometimes there is a part of me that just romanticizes how it would feel to be able to stand outside on the porch, the chill of autumn in the air, with a fucking cigarette in hand.  It’s bullshit and I get mad at myself for even thinking it.  It is just something my brain has to get through at this point.  As long as smoking is not an option for me (and believe me, it is not an option), these thoughts can dance around inside of my head until they get bored.

It is just these lingering last thoughts though…  everything else has been replaced with joy and freedom.  I love the freedom of not smoking… something that people who have never smoked don’t even know they have, but believe me, not being addicted to something that calls for your attention every hour or so… complete freedom.

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