Today is gonna be awful.

It’s 6:30am and I haven’t slept.  Today is my grandpa’s funeral.  He died of lung cancer on Friday.  Less than 3 months after diagnosis.

I was feeling okay about going to the funeral until my sister called and just made me feel anxious about it all.  Her dramatics I just can’t handle sometimes.

I haven’t slept because I’m behind as usual on school work.  I’ve been trying to study.  I haven’t slept because my sister made me dread this whole thing.  I’ve been so tense my shoulders hurt.  My chest hurts.  I’m breathing in that fucked up anxious way.  I haven’t slept because my allergies are driving me insane.  I just haven’t slept.

I didn’t go see my grandfather before he died.  I know maybe that seems messed up.  But he got so ill so fast and I just couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t see him like that.  Right now I don’t care if it was selfish… I want to remember him how I knew him.  Not as a dying man incapable of doing anything for himself.  I don’t even want to go to the funeral because I don’t want to have to see him in a casket.  Because then THAT becomes my true last memory of him…. but that is a shell… he is not there.  His body is not who he was, it only carried who he was.

I think of funerals… and I just wonder how this is the best we can do.  It seems like such a primitive ritual… to put our loved ones body in a box…attempt to make them look alive (and I’m saying this in reference as is typical for funerals of my culture…I realize every culture’s death rituals are vastly different…and some, I wish I could adopt because they seem more “normal” to me) and stand around staring at them while having this weird social ritual of saying our condolences and then catching up with people you haven’t seen in 10 years anyways and it took a death to bring you all to the same room.

I don’t want to do this.  Because I can say goodbye without it.  But it isn’t about me.  It is about going and showing my support for my dad and my grandmother.  It has absolutely nothing to do with me.

Maybe I sound emotionless about this.  But I’m really not, trust me.  I am deeply saddened that my grandfather has left this earth.  But I am glad that he is now without suffering.  He lived a long life.  He lived a very good life.  Those are two things we all can only hope for.  It is different in a way than losing somebody who is much younger.  The hardest part is seeing the grief in the wife and children that he left behind.  The part really gets me… because I realize… even if I’m 75…and I lose my husband… I can’t imagine how life goes on from that.  Or losing one of my parents… even if I’m 60… it doesn’t matter the age when it comes to losing a parent or a spouse.

And after all this today…. I’m supposed to go take a French quiz this evening… ha.ha.ha.ha.

 

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