it’s all too ……..

Thanksgiving…did not feel like Thanksgiving this year. It just came up so fast!  This whole year has pretty much flown by for me, way faster than any previous year it seems.  I think it is probably because I have actually managed to stay so busy this year.

This year I stuck to my guns about Thanksgiving and avoiding the family drama.  My mom kinda got shitty with me about the fact that I wasn’t budging on my stance about inviting her and my dad and refused to come to Thanksgiving at my house.  She instead had her own little thing the night before.  No, I didn’t go.  It wasn’t even about making some dramatic point… Ki worked until like 6 that evening and we still had to go Thanksgiving dinner shopping and I still had to clean the house.  She was eating at like 6:30.  It was impossible.

Sometimes I don’t like playing chef and hostess at Thanksgiving because I feel like I don’t get to enjoy the holiday.  I didn’t even take any pictures at Thanksgiving this year!  I didn’t even realize it until after the fact I was so busy almost the entire time except for like an hour before everyone was gone.  Cooking in my tiny kitchen was a whole different kind of feat this year.  We had to buy a turkey roaster just for the fact that I no longer have an oven large enough to hold a turkey.

Me cooking Thanksgiving dinner doesn’t feel like a tradition to me but I guess it is.  It is weird for me to think that I am becoming part of the family tradition for my nephew.  For him Thanksgiving Day is spent at Aunt Raychel’s house.  I sometimes feel bad that he doesn’t have cousins (for me of course) to play with… that it will be a while before he does have cousins.  Our family is so tiny and celebrates so broken up…. I dunno.  It’s just very different than what I had growing up.

My dad came…. and it is difficult to even look at him these days.  I think maybe subconsciously that is part of the reason taking pictures slipped my mind.  He’s having some pretty serious health problems and he looks like death.  He keeps avoiding going to the doctor and doing what his doctor tells him to do.  And he smokes so so much… all his health problems are directly related to smoking.  You would think seeing his dad die of lung cancer would I dunno… make him think about how he wants to spend the rest of his days… but I guess not.  In my heart, I know he’s not going to be here much longer.  I really feel like maybe… maybe if we are extremely lucky he will be here another 2-3 years, and I’m probably being generous with time.  That’s how bad he looks.  That’s the kind of troubles plaguing him.  I am trying to figure out how best to prepare myself for this inevitability.  He avoids doctors because he doesn’t want to be told he has 6 months to live.  Part of me has been glad I haven’t had to hear him tell me that, that there is still a bit of ignorance is bliss… only ignoring the issues now are extremely impossible.

When I went to my grandpa’s funeral I sat there and thought a lot about how it would be when I lost my own father.  Honestly my brain can’t comprehend it.  I can’t comprehend my father dying, him not being there.  I can’t comprehend my dad not calling me anymore and bullshitting at random hours of the night.  I can’t comprehend no longer having that parent that is more a friend than an authority figure.  All these little things about my father that I took for granted my entire life, I see them disappearing before them and I can’t imagine them forever being gone.  I’m sitting here crying because this all is very real now.    And I think the worst part is, he has done it all to himself.  His addiction took precedence over all… that addiction is now causing all this to happen, for his kids to be living in anxiety over his failing health… and still he chooses the addiction.

I dunno.  I think it would be easier if we just knew exactly what was wrong with him.  Even if it were a terminal illness… I think it would be better to just know than to find out and then a week later he be gone… or for it to just suddenly happen and I get a phone call one morning that he’s gone.  I don’t know.  I really don’t.

Life has just been way too real this year.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. nikkiana
    Nov 28, 2011 @ 00:44:33

    It’s really hard watching someone just give in to their addictions. It’s a friend and not a parent in my case…. but yeah. It sucks. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this.

    *hugs*

    Reply

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