thoughts…

There’s a billion things I could write about on any given day.  I just don’t find the time or by the time I do find the time I don’t feel like it.  Holidailies is going to be a bit of a challenge this year I think.  I always enjoy looking back on my Holidailies posts though because it’s the only time I actually kind of force myself to update on a more regular basis.  The Holidailies site doesn’t quite seem to have it together yet but…. well we’ll see.  So far the site says they are doing it… I sure hope so, it has been a fun tradition and this will mark my fourth year.

See here I am, sitting here staring at this text box and my mind is just on the ‘meh’ side.  It probably doesn’t help that I popped a vicodin for some insane cramps.

Thoughts….thoughts…

As I finish up this semester I have absolutely no idea how I’m gonna do next semester and whatever comes after that.  It’s all these ridiculous work load classes left in psych and I haven’t even figured out how to fit studio art classes in there.

Even though I don’t know how I’m gonna do it I do know one thing, I will have to change the way I do…everything.  It was my plan this semester to do that.  To be organized.  To have little schedules.  To not procrastinate.  I failed.  Big time.  I have realized I can no longer fall short at doing those things if I have any intention on passing what is left of these psych classes.  Especially since they involve fucking research papers.  The problem is it is hard to change who you inherently are.  I’ve gotten by my whole life (although not always well) by doing things how I always do them.  It is only now that I am absolutely forced to change.  There have been periods of time when I have changed, and did well as long as I stuck to my original goals just as I planned to stick to them.  Obviously at some point I fell off that wagon but anyways…

Like if I don’t get behind, even a teeny bit… I don’t panic and think “omg what is even the point I am so far behind”…. if I don’t miss a class that I know I shouldn’t miss… golly gee whiz… there is no anxiety about that.  If I break big projects down into smaller ones I handle them much better.  If I schedule time for every little thing and actually stick to that schedule I don’t get overwhelmed.  Overwhelm.  Overwhelmed… over….whelm.  That is the key word for me right there, because as soon as I get to feeling overwhelmed I fucking freak out.  And I tend to shut down.

Thoughts….

French.  I am such an idiot for not taking French as soon as I went to college… the very first year.  Now I have this huge thing lurking over me.  This semester… I am doing fine for the most part.  But it is so much work and so much anxiety and it is only the beginning.  It is weird though because I can read what French I know quite well, can even write it quite well… speaking… is difficult.  And when I am asked a question in French… I freeze.  It is like I have never before heard the fucking words ever.  I think it is because getting asked a question in French makes me so anxious, that I don’t even hear what is being asked.  I am immediately trying to process it so I can think of an answer and it just doesn’t work that way. It makes me realize how much we take the language we are born learning for granted…that we often can process it fast enough to have an answer before the question is even finished.

Thoughts….

I dunno why but I have not been feeling very jolly and festive this year.  Maybe it is the weather.  We’ve gotten snow that has stuck maybe twice now.  The other day it was 50 degrees.  In December.  With a shit ton of rain.  Maybe it didn’t snow much in December when I was a kid either but it sure felt like it did.  I don’t really want a bunch of snow while I’ve got classes to report to admittedly.  The other day when it did snow a decent amount I was driving home just as the roads were starting to get really nasty and I was flipping out.  I don’t really know how to drive on the highway in the snow and country roads really freak me out…uggh.

I put up all the Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving. Everything is pretty and cozy but yet, not feeling all that Christmas-y yet.  My peacock tree is pretty epic tho.  Picture at some point.  I already promised tumblr some like a week ago or something.

I don’t even really feel like Christmas shopping this year which is so not like me.  That definitely confuses me.  Part of it is I just don’t know what to get people anymore.  The past like 7 years I’ve really taken pride in finding that perfect gift and now it is starting to feel like “you guys have everything, wtf am I supposed to get you”… which means I need to dig deeper into gifts from the heart or something unique… and I feel like my imagination is starting to lack.

I don’t even find myself wanting much this holiday season.  When asked what I want for Christmas… things don’t mean as much to me anymore.  I feel like I have so much already, that I’m so lucky in that respect.  I’m trying to think of things, if people want to get me something, that I really need.  And the truth is, the things I “need” really aren’t needs either.

Except for pants maybe.  I’m sick of all my jeans being too big on me.

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