later i might actually post a holiday based post. maybe.

I think that I am going to find out that forced sobriety doesn’t work, even if it was for 2.5 years.  Which makes you wonder why we have a system that uses forced sobriety as a punishment, instead of true rehabilitation.  It’s funny that the rehabilitation was the option but the forced sobriety was not.  In the process I feel like I am most likely to lose a friend (and 100% will lose a friend if my suspicions are correct), but as my last entry stated, there are just some things I no longer allow in my life.  But I guess it is true that you can’t heal an addict just by taking away whatever it is they are addicted to… you have to heal the underlying causes for addictions.  It’s not a whole hell of of a lot different than when I quit smoking, I had to tackle all those things that came with the addiction…not just stop using the substance.  I dunno.  I feel let down and yet not surprised if it is going the direction it seems to be.  Only this time there is not an ounce of guilt in walking away and refusing to witness it.    Maybe to some degree I understand the system that uses force instead of empathy and rehab.  Because as an individual I even understand running out of empathy and support.  And when you’re running thousands of people through a system, and the majority of them don’t want to change, punishment by force is the only thing that makes a momentary impact.  Not saying it is right.  Just that it may very well possibly be the best that can be done with what we have right now.

That is a thought I had to tackle to begin my Saturday morning, but once I got it out of the way… I felt… okay.  I mean it just boils down to being black and white… either this person will remain sober and be a part of my life… or this person will choose substance addiction and I will not allow them to be a part of my life.  It’s that simple.  It’s not an easy thing for my heart, even if it is technically an “easy” decision.

I feel like the universe is trying to teach me something lately… because a whole lot of past bullshit has gotten dragged back up lately in this quiet understated kind of way where it’s not like… a very physical part of my world, but emotionally I am having to re-confront all this random shit.  And it’s weird because I’m wanting to act on those feelings, but it would be totally fucking bizarre if I actually did so because nobody knows what I’m thinking inside of my head, what kind of head space I am actually in.  Being angry or otherwise upset about… memories… doesn’t work too well.  I can’t say… remember that conversation we had 3 years ago… because I was just thinking about it.  People tend to think you’re a little crazy when you do shit like that.  Lately with the things that have come up I feel like I’m living in the past, and not by choice… I have no idea where all these reminders are coming from all at once but they are bombarding me.

So there must be another reason.  There must be a reason beyond bringing up things that have been buried in the minds of others.  And I think there is.  I think it isn’t about bringing any of these things to light with the others… but to check up on myself.  What am I still holding onto that I need to let go?  I’m not going to answer that here.  But the basic answer is, I can’t live my life with open wounds.  I have to stop picking at scabs.  I have to come to terms that there may be things in my life that I never fully understand only because I don’t have the ability to understand what goes on inside of some people’s heads.  That in order to fully love somebody, it is absolutely necessary to not just forgive but in some instances, to forget.  What good does it do any of us to hold onto the past if we are determined to have somebody in our life?  Who does it hurt?  If we choose to keep someone in our lives, we are choosing to accept their past and the impact that they had on our pasts.  There is nothing to change about the past.  It becomes a story. Our story.  Their story.  But it is no longer real.  It no longer exists.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. iceman18
    Dec 11, 2011 @ 12:28:58

    Your discovery of forced sobriety not yielding the intendted results is spot on. That certainly has been my experience too.

    “we have a system that uses forced sobriety as a punishment, instead of true rehabilitation”. Check out Dr, Gabor Mate’ on Youtube. He is very enlightening and share you belief.

    Cheers, Iceman

    Reply

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