“my grandpa taught me this when I was a little girl”

Mother’s Day was weird because I have literally not seen my mom since Christmas Eve and I’ve probably talked to her once or twice in that time… once when she accidentally butt dialed me and I called her back at that.

I actually sat in the drive way kind of nervous to go in by myself (Ki was working), my sister and her family weren’t there yet.  My brother was working so he wasn’t coming.  So I called my sister and asked her how close she was because I never beat her to any place.  Finally I went to the door and she greeted me at it with a big hug.  I was completely taken back because my mother has never greeted me at the door with a hug when I have come to visit.

She was actually really talkative and stuff for a change.  She acted like she wanted to spend time with us.  When my sister arrived with Tristin she still acted like she wanted to talk with me and my sister, just not ignore us and focus on Tristin.

What I really noticed… was what a dick her husband has become.  Oh he’s always been the dickiest dick to ever dick.  But now he doesn’t even try to be nice to anyone.  Ignores everyone if he can.  Pouts.  It’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever witnessed.  He seriously seems jealous that my mother has kids… that she wants to pay attention to.  And I honestly think he has been the reason that she has been so distant.  I think he makes her distant.  He’s been making her distant since I was like 9… but it got really bad once we all moved away from home.  And so it is my mother has had 2 long term relationships with men in her life and they both have been complete dicks.  Yes I am calling my dad a dick, because he was when they were together.  As an adult I must accept that my mom is one of those women who never stop letting men control her world.  And because of that, it will effect every other relationship she will ever have, including the relationship with her children.

It’s actually quite freeing to realize that.  To realize it is nothing I did, nothing I could control or make different.  For some reason, I was able to forgive my dad for all his craziness a lot earlier in life, was able to see and understand his faults more clearly.  With her… I dunno why…

I think it is because one thing in this world I cannot understand is tolerating mental/emotional/physical abuse from your spouse.  I can hear all the reasoning that women (and men too) tolerate it and logically I can understand, but deep in my heart… I do not.  And trust… it baffles me.  Because I came from that home where this shit was every fucking day.  But maybe that is the whole reason why.  Because I grew to hate it and resent the fact of “why don’t you just leave”… pleading for that.  So later, when the mental process of abuse made sense, it just couldn’t override what my heart had seen.

And me, I always want to change what I perceive as a toxic situation that somebody is submitting to.  I used to do that until I was literally drained, numb, and dark inside.

I recently quit doing that with people.  I went through a situation with a close friend, someone I have known a long time and went through a lot with… where I actually pushed her out for a while, because I felt her bringing negative things in my life, not unlike the relationship with my mom, and I had to disidentify with that.   And I started communicating with her differently.  I always find myself in this role of therapist with friends it seems, and it is draining.  So when she inevitably came to me with a problem, most likely the same one I have been hearing about in some form for years, instead of offering up yet another round of advice that seems wanted but goes unheeded… I didn’t offer any. I would listen but  I didn’t make her issues into an issue in my own life.  When she brought something to me that I felt affected me negatively I simply did not engage in the conversation.

And I got some “are you mad at me” texts and I could honestly answer no because even though I was irked by some things yes… I really wasn’t mad at her or anybody.  I was doing something I had never really done before and that was explore some of my boundaries in relationships.  And from that experience with one person, I’ve gained the confidence to extend that to other people and relationships in my life.

So I am practicing it with my mom.

“You cannot save people. You can only love them.”

—  Anaïs Nin

 

This is what I am learning.  These relationships that I have been unhappy in.. I have nurtured that unhappiness with my expectations of people and my attempts of saving them, or at the very least wishing I could save them.

My mom is never going to be the person I think she should be.  For whatever reason that may be.  Be it the men in her life.  Be it her own personal flaws.  She is going to be weird sometimes and have strange quirks.  Because we all do.  So I have to make the choice, of going forward with whatever relationship we can have and see what we can build or continue to shut down and pull away thus causing pain to myself, causing pain to her… guaranteed pain.

She can choose whatever she wants because it is her life, but I choose going forward in my life with love and light.  With more understanding.

I caught glimpses of her Sunday… sitting on the rocking chair on the porch, she was sitting on the steps with Tristin and she picked a blade of grass and pulled Tristin close and said “here look, my grandpa taught me this when I was a little girl” and proceeded to make a blade of grass make the loudest most obnoxious sound ever.  And it was the first time I had seen her.. be her.. in so long.  I can’t explain it.  I felt like I was witnessing some secret moment I wasn’t supposed to see, only she was sharing it.

I don’t have a place to hold onto the things I felt cut me off from this relationship.  What that means only time will tell, but it’s a ride I’m willing to go on.

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