idk.

I keep getting emails about my photo website expiring b/c I haven’t updated my cc information.  I went and renewed my domain name but I never did end up finishing my website.  I went back and looked at it and…. good lawd is is terrible.  I don’t think web design is one of my talents in life.

I’m completely out of the mind frame for redesigning or setting up a new website.  Yes, I currently have plenty of time to do it but I just kind of… don’t want to.

Photography has been a difficult thing for me to discuss lately because I feel sad that I had to sit it on the back burner.  My last post.. that I categorized for it anyways… appears to be in November.  Actually… reading that post makes me very happy.  I figured I had left off on something whiny or ranty but instead I was stating how I felt the need to bring myself back into my work.  Sweet.

I was coming to the realization then… and have come fully to the realization since… that I can’t take something that I use to express myself and perform on demand with it.  Whatever work I do with it, will always have to be authentic to me.

I think I can safely admit now that the idea of doing it for money and recognition was something that I was initially very caught up in.  Praise can be addictive.  Money even more so.  That’s why I wanted to quickly brand myself and be done with it but I just kept coming back to “this doesn’t feel right, this doesn’t feel right”.  Well, why not?  Because I’m not doing it for the right reasons.

So I closed down the place where I was hosting my site.  Cancelled my account, everything.  I feel absolutely no regret for doing so.

I had let my flickr pro account expire so I renewed that and need to go through and clean it up quite a bit… old stuff… stuff that doesn’t promote what I wanted out of my work, etc.

I redirected my domain name to my photo blog, which I am ashamed to admit hasn’t been updated in so so so long.  I think it has been difficult for me to blog because I don’t even know what the hell kind of blogger I am for my photo stuff!  Geez, I’m pathetic really.   But I just can’t come up with random shit to say if a story isn’t there.  And I’m the type of person where it’s like

Explain your work

and I’m all like….

I made this because it looked pretty?

That and I need to learn how to leave my ego out of it all.  I find myself writing different depending on the audience.  And I know that is normal to some extent but that’s not how I want to be.  I’ve always wrote my best when I have not given two fucks in the wind.  And when I do give a shit.. I’m filled with all this

do I sound intelligent enough

do I sound like I know what the fuck I’m talking about

people are just gonna think I’m a fucking weirdo

Fun times.

And I feel like if I get the photo blog up and running around… I have to keep up with it.  I have to.  And it’s daunting.  Because that means finding inspiration to take photos, edit them, and then write something at least once per week.

I guess I’m just hoping that if I put more effort into being happy with what I’m doing with it all… that I’ll attract more opportunities for the things I do want.  Not just end up with whatever I get thrown at me.

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