I wanna go to sleep but in about an hour or so I have to leave to take the kittens to the spay clinic.  I got them signed up in time for the $20 Beat the Heat spay special they are doing this month.  I’m irritated though b/c Martha was signed up too only I’m not taking her because every since Slinky died, she only comes around a couple times a week to try to get food and then proceeds to be mean to the kittens and leaves again.  So she’s hardly ever around now and since seeing her last, I think she’s pregnant again.  So freaking annoying.  What kind of cat gets pregnant in January/February??  I know they can spay pregnant cats and abort the kittens but it just doesn’t settle well with me.  I read about it and… maybe it’s stupid but I just can’t.  I just don’t believe in bringing harm to life personally.  I know I wouldn’t be the one doing it, but my decision would be.

Since Martha hasn’t been coming around much at all, we are not making the effort to move her with us.  We’re moving just down the road, still in her territory so she will find us if she wants.  I have seen her at other houses on this road so I’ve never felt like she was really “mine”… I just cared for her when she did come around.  But we can’t have anymore kittens outside to take care of.  We are taking the 3 other outdoor babies with us because they have come to rely on us.  Abby is getting spayed with Moki today and hopefully the 2 boys will be neutered soon.  If Martha shows up with anymore kittens I will have to find a no kill shelter or rescue for them because we can’t have a billion cats running around on a rental property.

**

Speaking of moving… they are saying the plan to be done with the house on Wednesday… so we shall see.  I’ve done a ton of packing and the place is starting to look pretty sparse…. which makes it look bigger lol  I’m actually feeling okay about the move now, I think I’m ready for bigger space.  I’m also kind of relieved because we’ve had a reoccurrence of the leaky roof issue that we had about 6 months ago.  Only now the upstairs ceiling is really stained where it’s happening.  I think they are going to have to do something really drastic to fix it or they are going to end up with a mold issue.  I’m glad it won’t be our issue.

**

I don’t know about going to painting class tonight.  I need to.  Normally I would want to.  But once I get the cats dropped off I’m going to come home and sleep.  Then I have to be back there in the afternoon to pick up the cats, then I gotta drive the cats back home, then I would basically have to turn around and drive right back into the city to go to class, be there for 3 hours, then get home at like 9:30 and still do everything else I need to do.  Bah.  This was not the day for my sleeping psychoness to act up.   But I can always get in on at other times to catch up on painting and the world won’t end if I miss one class.

Tonight I wrote my speech that I think we are giving Tuesday.  I still need to write the outline.. why yes I do write the actual speech before the outline.  I’m also debating making a PowerPoint, because maybe I won’t feel as nervous if I can focus a little bit on something else.

It’s so dumb b/c I don’t want to to be nervous.  Like at all.  I don’t want to get shaky and feel all icky because I’m nervous.  I wish I could have something just to take the stupid physical symptoms away.  It’s not even a big fucking deal… like ohhh I’m gonna go stand up and talk to maybe like 10 or 12 people for a couple of minutes.  I don’t know.  I’m just so ready to get over this fear in my life.  I’m at the point where I am beyond annoyed at myself about it.

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