i’m a gawddamned hot mess

I’m turning into a disaster and I have to get it under control.  Last night I consumed an embarrassing amount of chocolate ice cream and it gave me enough of a dopamine boost to restructure my com speech which I was supposed to give last week after weeks of delays due to the fault of the instructor but instead I was a sick miserable mess last week and ended up missing class, thus delaying my speech again.  I woke up this morning to an ice storm that I thought I was going to have to drive in and because I had only had 3 hours of sleep (less if you count how many times I was awakened by a cat galloping through the house like an idiot) I was also having major anxiety about everything.  I forced myself to get up, take a shower, put on makeup and get dressed.  It was only after I looked like I had my shit together that I stepped outside, found that everything was indeed covered in a sheet of ice and proceeded to bawl my fucking eyes out.

I decided at this point to just give up on everything and proceeded to check my email one last time for any class cancellations only to find that my class was indeed cancelled for the morning… an email that appeared to be sent at 9:24 am only didn’t come through to my phone for nearly an hour later… in essence, the whole entire freak out could have been avoided if the email would have came through around the time it was sent.  But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t need to get some of that negativity out of me.  Only a lot of it is still there, balled up tight in my stomach and sitting on my chest making it hard to breathe.

I emailed my prof, who sucks at emailing me back, and told her I am stressed out about being behind on the speech and wanted to make sure I would be able to make it up.  I wanted to suggest that since we are so big on technology with this course (it is a hybrid course in which an iPad is required), if I could just like video and upload my fucking speech so it would be done… but then I realized that would most likely open some kind of can of worms in which everybody would insist that it wasn’t fair and blah blah blah so I didn’t even bother asking.

I was not prepared for how stressed this class would make me feel again.  Clearly I have not worked out my anxieties and this particular class, with almost no structure, is making it worse for me.  I’m starting to debate if I should see if a doctor will give me some Ativan to get through the parts that get to me the worst… I mean it wouldn’t fucking kill a doctor to give me 3 or 4 pills of Ativan to get me through the next couple months.  But then again, I feel weak when I admit that I am struggling.  Can’t win.  Can’t win.

And now I’m sad that I could have slept in.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. lunardreaming
    Mar 04, 2013 @ 05:17:36

    Oh dear. I am sorry. 😦 I am way too familiar with anxiety and stress like that. I hope you get that speech done and off your to-do list so you can start losing some of that burden!


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