first day of spring my ass

High here is like 28 today.  Happy Spring everyone!  Blech.  Highs here lately have been a steady 10-15 degrees below average.  Meanwhile last year it was 90 degrees for a week straight in March.

I’m tired… tired of bitchy unprofessional professors… deadlines… googling what happens if you don’t get a job that enables you to pay off your student debt… hating myself for getting so far in debt at a school that I didn’t much want to go to to begin with…. regrets…. thinking about how this all started out so dramatically b/c I had to atone for my sins as a teenager and here I am 10 years later still working out the kinks of thinking I could make this place and my mistakes disappear when I was 18…

As soon as Spring Break was over, boom I was nauseous again, can’t sleep, feelings of dread hovering over me.  This establishment doesn’t care about me and I no longer care about them, I am just trying to get the piece of paper I have paid so dearly for… both in monetary terms and in terms of my sanity.

I just wonder what happens then… do I wake up every morning for the rest of my life with the same dread to go to a job I can’t stand so I can give all my money to someone else for an education that wasn’t worth even half of what I paid for it?

I still want my masters in art therapy b/c that is all I ever wanted, but you just can’t go get that but I can absolutely not fathom going into anymore debt for the sake of education.  Education should not cost this much.  And if it does… then jobs should pay a hell of a lot more.  I think at this point… if I want that masters… I absolutely must find a way to pay for it all myself.

Undergraduate education is a puzzling experience for one to even pay for.  It has to be different if you pick a better school I suppose.  At least that is what I like to tell myself.  I try to think of the experiences I have had that made any of it worth it and they are so few.  I love learning.  I hate school.  And the truth is if you are already an intelligent individual you can teach yourself pretty anything  or find some way to learn it for free.  So many undergraduate degrees don’t denote any degree of specialty within a field…. nurses yes… teachers yes… things of that nature.  Suddenly it hits me why so many high school friends majored in teaching or nursing.

My fine arts classes have been the most valuable in terms of experience to me.  Hands on experience that I wouldn’t have got had I not paid for it somewhere.  Every class I have taken with my beloved comparative religions professor have been worth it, he has made me view the world in an entirely different way and it always sits in the back of my mind that I need to find a better way to reach out to him to continue our student/teacher relationship outside of the concept of classes.

It sounds ridiculous to admit when you are majoring in it but all the psych courses?  They have added nothing of value to my life.  Most of the information provided can be found easily if you are interested in looking for it.  Same goes for the science courses I have taken… the majority of courses that involve little discussion and memorizing facts.  I have only gained the most from my fine arts/philosophies/and humanities courses.  I suppose my interests lay more there so that helps, but what good would majoring in them have done either as they are as essentially as useless by themselves as that psychology degree?

At this point it all has little to do with anything educational to me.  I still get joy from my fine arts courses I am finishing up, but everything else can go burn for all the shits I give.  I am limping to the finish line, spent and jaded at the concept of “higher education”.  On a personal level I decided at some point that I was gonna finish for me, for a personal victory.  To say I did.  Even when I didn’t want to.  Even when I almost failed so many times.  Even when I almost had it taken away from me.  It’s laughable in a way, what a fucking struggle and journey this has been.. how the fuck did that even happen?  I don’t think anybody can possibly understand because I can barely fucking understand it.  I just know how many people didn’t know about the depression, about the anxiety.  How I spent almost 2 years barely even able to function because of what I was going through very privately and what I did let slip out publicly wasn’t even a tenth of what was really going on.

The other part?  The other part is because I need to give a big ass middle finger to everyone waiting for me to fail, to give up.  Sadly it is true kiddos.  Decisions you make at 16…17… they can live with you for a really long time.  I’ve had so many patronizing remarks made to me by family and friends.  And you know what I did?  I just sat there and took that shit, smiled and tried to play it off while it felt like somebody was ripping out something deep within me and just shitting all over it.

I know I sound bitter but really I am not.  It is just, this whole experience has made me realize how ridiculous certain cultural expectations are.  Other people’s perceptions.  The idea of “this is what you do when you grow up”.  You know what I’m trying to say, I can’t find the right words for it at the moment.  Just all this.  This human experience of being programmed to go to school, go to some more school, get a job, make a lot of money, buy stuff to impress your neighbors, work a job you probably hate, stress out about all the shit you can’t afford, experience very little enjoyment in your life, consume consume consume, die  (okay that did sound pretty bitter).  We’re just this ridiculous species that apparently has to prove that our individuals lives are worth something, that we deserve to be on this planet.  I don’t have to prove my worthiness to anyone on this planet and neither do you or anybody.  We’re worthy enough simply because we exist, that’s the way I see it.

I guess in that respect, the experience has been priceless.

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